self improvement

Rest and Discomfort

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As I spent three sick days home from work this week, I didn’t do much of anything for about 2 ½ days.  As I started to feel somewhat better the third day, I did a little catching up on personal business.  I needed to do something constructive because I was getting stir crazy. 

It occurred to me that the only time I just sit around relaxing for any length of time is when I’m sick. I don’t know if I just don’t know how to relax or if it’s because I’m just used to always having things to do being an active single guy, but it’s a pattern I’ve noticed before. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being busy most of the time. In fact, I feel more comfortable with it in recent years. Maybe that’s because the things that keep me busy are more things I choose than they used to be.  I used to feel like life was a series of obligations, things I have to do. From daily chores to social events to work.  But somewhere along the way, my obligations have either been replaced with chosen activities or  I’ve changed how I see my activities so that they don’t feel like obligations.

One of my “chores” is watering plants which I have upstairs and downstairs and in the warmer months, outside too. But I choose to have them and I enjoy the reward. I also put bird seed out and food for a few stray cats in my neighborhood.  I guess some of these things felt like obligations at first, but as they became part of my routine, I enjoyed the good feeling they brought. 

In recent months, I’ve added workouts three times a week, and daily devotion time after work (because it’s just too early to get up and do before work),  journaling , blogging; and for enjoyment, thrift shopping  and photography.  I’ve done a lot more photography in the last couple years starting with a photo-a-day challenge for cancer and I often get those pics on a nice nature walk.

So, yeah, I don’t sit still much and I could probably use a little more relaxation time, but I’m content in being busy. It’s life!

Dreams Deferred and where to find them

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Do you have a dream that you’ve wanted since a young age, but you haven’t worked toward it in years? Well, if you haven’t totally given up on it, then it’s not dead.  It’s not a fail. It’s a dream deferred. Welcome aboard. I’ve got one too.

When I was in 6th grade and having some behavioral problems for the first and only time in my school years, I discovered that I love to write and I was pretty good at it. I made it a goal to write a book. I’m 53, and that dream is unfulfilled.  As are the additional dreams that have grown from that first seed.  Writing a book series,  a book in all my favored genres,  a screenplay,  multiple screenplays, a blockbuster movie. My dreams have gotten loftier and more numerous as I’ve experienced life and grown in confidence and ambition.

Yet they are all unfulfilled. I’ve given it much thought over the years and the main reason the above dreams lie dormant, is lack of discipline.  There are many accompanying excuses: no time, no energy, bad jobs sucked my energy away, toxic people sucked my energy away, depression, anxiety, lack of support, lack of direction, not sure how to go about it, health problems, financial insecurity, etc., etc.

Sure, some of these are pretty good excuses and are certainly things that have to be addressed, but did they take ALL of my time and energy? No. Could I have done at least one of these goals despite those things? Yes. But I didn’t .  I’m not beating myself up.  I did have some pretty tough challenges and have been largely on my own. (Partly my own fault for not talking about it to anyone or seeking positive relationships.)

But when it comes down to it, I could have done more writing. I could have chosen a specific goal and kept at it until it was achieved, but I didn’t. Discipline is hard. Damn hard. It’s hard to establish and easily derailed.

Before I completely demoralize you all, let me move on to the positives. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been doing a lot of work on several areas of self-improvement. (Discipline is the mode of transportation  to an improved self.) I’ve been working out and am already in the best shape I’ve been since at least 40.  I’m getting better with punctuality (again) and I’ve been really good about doing a daily devotional time where I read some in my Bible and read from a spiritual, but not religious devotional book. (Journey to the Heart), writing in my journal, and restarting my blog. While I haven’t gotten back into a project of writing, all of these efforts take discipline to do and help me to be more disciplined overall.

Discipline begets discipline. That’s something I learned years ago. Unfortunately, it works in the reverse as well. The more you slack in one area, the easier it is to let something else slide. Well, I’m on  an uptick now and I plan to keep it going. So, as I journey back to a higher plane of living, I think I’ll find that place where my deferred dreams lie fallow. I don’t remember where or when I laid them down.  We never do, do we? But the good news is, you will inevitably find them as you merge back into that lane of action, discipline, and hope that will carry you toward your destination.

Mark = Strong Defender

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I’m using the Word press prompt for the first time. The meaning of my name according to a bookmark I got in Sunday school as a child and still have in my Bible, is “strong defender”. I’ve seen variations of this in many different sources but that seems to be the general consensus.

I think it’s fitting because I’m blessed with an abundance of inner strength that has gotten me through many tough times and helped me be fiercely independent and relentlessly resilient. (a little alliteration, lol)

The defender part of the bookmark’s definition fits too because I’ve always been more prone to defend than to criticize. I’m also slow to be judgmental. ( Most of the time. I’m only human. ) I’ve often stood up for people when others are putting them down or even ganging up on one member of a group in fun.

I’m a very loyal friend/brother/son/classmate/employee/etc. It’s interesting that the Scottish coat of arms for my grandmother’s maiden name bears the motto “This I’ll Defend.” Another defensive strength reference.

I hope I can continue to find the strength to be positive and defensive of humanity these next few years. I’m definitely going to call out injustice where I see it but also keep seeing and writing about the good in this world. I promise to try. I hope that change and possible turmoil brings us closer together rather than further divide us, as we realize we’re all in this together. We’re all just trying to get by, to love and be loved and have a little fun when we can.

Let’s try not to lose sight of that.

Daily writing prompt
Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
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