inspiration

Bury the “I Can’ts”

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I recently turned to a copy of the classic Chicken Soup for the Soul gotten at a used book sale, for my daily devotions. I recently finished Watching for the Morning which I enjoyed, but I needed something new to start on. Well, it’s not new but new to me since I never read it. I decided to browse through and pick a category rather than just go through it cover to cover.

I landed on Chapter 5: Live Your Dream and this was one of the first few entries, Rest In Peace: The I Can’t Funeral which tells the story of a teacher doing an exercise with her students, from the perspective of an administrator type observing the class. I guess this was pretty innovative in 1980 when the book was written, and still a good lesson, and maybe I’ll actually do the exercise. You make a list of I can’t statements, and then put them in a box and bury them. If you have a safe way to do so, burning the list could be even more satisfying, like in a fire place or fire pit if you have one.

In any case, I was not taught to eliminate I can’t thinking or verbalization when I was a kid, but I think I always had a natural aversion to negative or discouraging thinking. I will be honest in admitting it did get through more often than I would have liked, but I always bounced back quickly when I experienced setbacks or discouragement. Bad things do happen in life, so it’s not about whitewashing. We have to be realistic in facing obstacles and disadvantages before we can rephrase them. Like the kids and teacher in the class. They wrote the I can’t statements. They didn’t just pretend they weren’t there. But then they symbolically buried them and, more importantly, changed their mentality and made an ongoing effort to avoid I can’t statements or attitudes.

The teacher made a paper tombstone with I Can’t on it as a reminder for herself and the students of what they were trying to change and it was always present in the classroom providing a sort of accountablity. The teacher and other students could remind each other of the RIP poster if they forgot and made an I can’t statement.

That’s an important point. We all need accountability and encouragement from others to make positive changes in our lives. We have to make the effort of course, but as the saying goes, “No [one] is an island.” We all need good energy and reinforcement.

Burying I Can’t thinking is only half the battle, though. You need to replace it with a healthier outlook of possibility and determination. The I Can statements. It’s always easier to leave a bad habit behind when you have a good one to take its place Visualization helps like the RIP poster in the classroom. If finishing a big home improvement project is the thing you are trying to say you can instead of you can’t then find a picture of a similar project that’s complete and put it on the wall, or just picture what you want it to look like in your head and keep recalling it.

If writing that novel is the thing you felt like you can’t do, then do a mockup of the cover and put it on your desktop or print it and put it on your mirror where you’ll see it every morning. It’ll make you want to work on it. Have a writer friend act as an accountability partner. Give yourself deadlines for the next chapter or figuring out the ending or whatever. Part of changing your thinking from no can do to it’s happening is breaking it down to manageable bites and making progress to spur you on.

If anyone around you is a naysayer whispering doubt in your ear, ditch them fast! Surround yourself with encouragers and allies. Invite people in who care about you and your goals and dreams. Those are the folks you need in your life. So, once you have the I Can attitude locked in, do everything you can to bring about the result you want and stick with people who are on your side.

Go and do!

All content is original and owned by Mark T. Ritchey and cannot be used without permission.

Random Acts of Kindness Anytime

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Photo by James Frid on Pexels.com

I saw on a bulletin board at work earlier this week that it was National Random Acts of Kindness Week.  I can’t point to any specific act I did beyond my normal efforts to be positive, affirming and encouraging to those around me.  So maybe this post is unconsciously an excuse, but I was reflecting yesterday on whether it’s better to do a random act of kindness or to look for ways to do something for the people already in your life, to be helpful and supportive on a regular basis. 

Someone might say that you can do both and it’s not an either/or choice, and then I’d say, Damn you! It’s hard enough to think of blog topics to post about and now you’ve ruined it! So, instead of asking which is better, let’s just explore the topic as a compare and contrast exercise.

The random act of kindness done for a stranger is a good thing and I would never discourage it.  It can be as simple as paying for the person next in line or throwing in the difference if someone comes up short or forgot their wallet. It can be passing on a coupon for something free that you can’t use or giving your extra ticket when someone had to cancel. Or how about discreetly paying for something when you hear a parent saying to a child, we can’t afford it, or buying a meal for a homeless person?

There are plenty of things that don’t involve paying for anything too of course. Helping a senior carry something they’re struggling with, or helping someone reach an item on a high shelf in the store. Giving up your seat for an elderly person or a pregnant mother or someone who just looks unwell or exhausted. All of these things can really lift the spirits of the recipient and they can then pass it on at another time when they’re able and spread goodwill in a world full of chaos and strife. I don’t see any real downside to the random act. I suppose there are times it could backfire if someone takes it as an insult like you think they can’t do it for themselves, but that’s probably rare and it’s their issue.

But what about the people in your life, whether close to you or just on the peripheral of your circle of influence? It’s understandable that we are often more reluctant to step in with those closest to us when we know their faults and mistakes and are tempted to think they wouldn’t need our help if they had done this or hadn’t done that. And sometimes, it’s a matter of someone not doing what they should to help themselves and the need to protect ourselves from a constant emotional energy drain that can result in those cases.  But aside from that, when there’s a moment you could bring relief or even joy for a friend or family member, maybe don’t hold back. Don’t think of past issues or grudges or the blaming, judging thoughts. Just do it. When you can.

Also, don’t fall into the trap that some do, of doing something that the other person doesn’t really need or want, just because it makes you feel good.  Then, you’re doing it for yourself and not for the recipient. It’s an odd kind of selfishness.  All this may seem like it’s complicating the issue, and indeed you can overthink it, but if you’re in a good place mentally and emotionally and keep an objective but positive view of the world around you, then the Holy Spirit or the Universe or however you think of it, will guide you. Go with your gut.

I’ve often been told I’m a good listener and that’s a great act of kindness anyone can do.  Just giving a moment of your time and really hear someone. An empathetic ear can really lift someone’s mood even if you don’t have the answer for them.  That’s usually not what they’re looking for anyway. They just need to know someone cares. I remember a coworker a few years ago who had lost her mother, whom she lived with, less than a year before I lost my dad. We commiserated sometimes and she unloaded a lot about dealing with her family. One day she shared that her brother came out and said the thing that was the elephant in the room. He blamed her for their mother’s death, saying that she didn’t do enough to get help when the mother refused to seek help. It seemed unfair and an awful thing to say, even if it was understandable that the brother thought that.  The coworker broke down and cried and I just gave a sympathetic ear and comforting words. I don’t know how much it helped, but I was glad to be there.

One act of kindness I like to do for people in my life, is to buy something I know they’ll love when I see an item at a thrift shop that is “so them”.  It’s just a small inexpensive item so they don’t have to feel bad that they’re not reciprocating or that you spent a lot of money. It’s just a cool item that they’ll enjoy and they get to reciprocate in some way at another time. Of course, I don’t do it for that. I do it because I can and I see the opportunity. I think the key is that it comes from a place of genuine care and knowing the person well through ongoing acceptance and interest in their lives. That’s where an act of kindness springs from.

So, if you get the impulse to do something kind at a random moment, don’t resist or overthink it. But do think about opportunities to help, encourage or inspire those in your corner of the world in the daily grind and be ready to take advantage of such a moment along with the random ones.

Brighten the corner where you are!

Better to fail than never try

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I watched an Olympic hopeful on Friday night, along with millions of others. Ilia Malinin took to the ice in men’s figure skating with sky high expectations from all sides. Himself, his father and coach, millions of his countrymen and women, fellow athletes and lots of media hyping and analyzing the hell out of his every move. As I watched, his first small jump seemed to land very smoothly but the next couple of them looked a little bumpy and then the horror, he fell, twice.

I felt for him as I’ve often empathized with young athletes in the highly commercialized world we live in. So much pressure, so much scrutiny, so much at stake. It must get to them sometimes, but most of the time they get through with lots of support from friends, family and mentors. Sometimes things still go wrong, despite all the time put in and all the preparation. Fortunately, Ilia, like many of his competitors and fellow Olympians, is very young and will have another chance, God willing, to reach his potential.

The lesson here for us all is to go for the gold, knowing that you may not get it. You may just miss it, or you may miss by a wide margin. While I’m sure it’s devastating to fall short in such a public way, the important thing is to just do your best and keep trying. Learn from the experience and make improvements. That’s what we all have to do throughout our lives. Failing is not fatal. Your soul is built to handle setbacks in life. It’s worth the risk to go for something big.

I sit here on my couch writing these words and think about the fact that I haven’t really gone for anything big in my life so far. I haven’t written that novel or screenplay. I haven’t given up, but I have become complacent. I’ve stopped hearing the ticking clock. While it’s never too late until you’re gone, I’m not getting any younger.

Yoda says “Do or do not. There is no try.” I guess I’m just not doing. Of course, not every thing you do can be successful, but I think what our little green friend meant is that you approach the goal with the full intention of doing it, not with a wishy washy mentality that you’re just going to put out some feelers and see if maybe there’s a chance of things working out. You just have to do it. That doesn’t mean that you couldn’t still fail, but eventually, you’ll get there. Perhaps it’s a matter of doing it again, rather than trying again. Go for the gold with full intention and your best ability and you’ll succeed. Maybe that success looks different than the top of the podium sometimes, but other opportunities for something better may result from your efforts, whatever the immediate outcome.

Go forth and be active and believe in yourself! Good things will happen.