Answering a “Sunday Poser” from https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/my-prompts-2/, a blog referred to me by my friend Matt: https://martist1970.com/.

The question from the Sunday Poser I chose to answer is “Are you a good listener?”

I have to say that generally I am, and I’ve been told that many times throughout my life. In my childhood and early teen years, I was very quiet and shy, so I ended up being the listener most of the time, especially in groups, even just two or three other people besides myself. I gradually came out of my shell from my later teens into my twenties. Now, I’m not shy at all anymore, and while I’m still an introvert and need alone time, I am not always quiet. Sometimes I can even be a little rambunctious. So, I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.

I’ve been a shoulder to lean on when someone just needs to be heard and unload. I’ve been an active listener when someone needs to discuss something and get some feedback or support, and try to gain some perspective. I’ve been the struggling listener whose energy level is higher than the other person’s and it’s hard to stay focused, or having to restrain myself from interrupting, too much.

I’m thankful for all the changes I’ve gone through over my 53 years and the broad experience and variety of people I’ve met who have taught me many lessons. Sometimes in a helpful way, sometimes not. I’ve also had a variety of jobs where I’ve interacted with people on a daily basis from all walks of life.

So to the early years, I was so quiet in my junior high years that people often forgot that I was there. I was like a fly on the wall, objectively observing the conversation, tonalities and facial expressions. I’d occasionally put in a few words when I felt compelled to, thinking I could offer some good advice, and I probably did, but I don’t know if people really heard it because they’d forgotten I was sitting there and felt like they’d been eavesdropped on. 😉 I’d laugh along with the others or express surprise or sadness or whatever emotion I and the others were feeling. I was internally engaged even if not verbally.

What I gained from that was quite a lot. I learned that we all have the same basic emotions, concerns, insecurities, and desires. I learned that we all do the same stupid things but some can laugh at ourselves and some can’t. I couldn’t until my late twenties. I credit my late friend Freddie C. for showing me that. He would be laughing the loudest if he did something dumb or goofy. I was always self conscious and anxious. After he died of leukemia at 25, I decided, among other things that I could honor him by learning to laugh at myself like he did. It took a while but I do that now.

All that fly-on-the-wall listening and observing helped develop the idea I’ve come to hold close, that we’re all in this together. Something the increasing political polarity of recent years is destroying. And I’m as guilty as any. I know it’s a divide and conquer technique, but sometimes I just get caught up in it. That’s why it’s so effective. And that’s an area where we all struggle to listen. We listen to argue, not to understand. Again, I include myself in that, though I try to understand where people are coming from. It’s really damn hard sometimes, though.

Sometimes I’m a really attentive “active listener”, making helpful comments on topic without sidetracking, absorbing what they are saying, and offering helpful feedback. And people are so appreciative of that, often saying so.

Then there are times when the active part is my own brain wandering and having my own version of the conversation in my head for a moment until I catch myself and try to “catch up” in my head what they just said, struggling to process everything as they continue on while I’m still reviewing the conversation up to that point. I don’t think I’m giving my best advice or support when that happens, but I hope I give enough back.

Other times, the active part is because I’m in a really good mood and, without meaning to, move on too quickly or make jokes at the wrong time. I hope the person understand and revisits the topic if they need/want to when that happens. I’m not perfect. No one is. But when you’re consistently open and accepting, they’ll get their chance to have the depth of discussion they’re looking for.

I guess the main point in listening is to pay the fullest attention you’re capable of and be genuine and NOT judgy. We’re all just human. Just a bunch of primates trying to learn and grow. Just a throng of sophisticated neanderthals. Do the best you can to connect with others and hope to get a little better at it over the years, or at least just be present. We’re all in the same boat.