writing

Dreams Deferred and where to find them

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Do you have a dream that you’ve wanted since a young age, but you haven’t worked toward it in years? Well, if you haven’t totally given up on it, then it’s not dead.  It’s not a fail. It’s a dream deferred. Welcome aboard. I’ve got one too.

When I was in 6th grade and having some behavioral problems for the first and only time in my school years, I discovered that I love to write and I was pretty good at it. I made it a goal to write a book. I’m 53, and that dream is unfulfilled.  As are the additional dreams that have grown from that first seed.  Writing a book series,  a book in all my favored genres,  a screenplay,  multiple screenplays, a blockbuster movie. My dreams have gotten loftier and more numerous as I’ve experienced life and grown in confidence and ambition.

Yet they are all unfulfilled. I’ve given it much thought over the years and the main reason the above dreams lie dormant, is lack of discipline.  There are many accompanying excuses: no time, no energy, bad jobs sucked my energy away, toxic people sucked my energy away, depression, anxiety, lack of support, lack of direction, not sure how to go about it, health problems, financial insecurity, etc., etc.

Sure, some of these are pretty good excuses and are certainly things that have to be addressed, but did they take ALL of my time and energy? No. Could I have done at least one of these goals despite those things? Yes. But I didn’t .  I’m not beating myself up.  I did have some pretty tough challenges and have been largely on my own. (Partly my own fault for not talking about it to anyone or seeking positive relationships.)

But when it comes down to it, I could have done more writing. I could have chosen a specific goal and kept at it until it was achieved, but I didn’t. Discipline is hard. Damn hard. It’s hard to establish and easily derailed.

Before I completely demoralize you all, let me move on to the positives. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been doing a lot of work on several areas of self-improvement. (Discipline is the mode of transportation  to an improved self.) I’ve been working out and am already in the best shape I’ve been since at least 40.  I’m getting better with punctuality (again) and I’ve been really good about doing a daily devotional time where I read some in my Bible and read from a spiritual, but not religious devotional book. (Journey to the Heart), writing in my journal, and restarting my blog. While I haven’t gotten back into a project of writing, all of these efforts take discipline to do and help me to be more disciplined overall.

Discipline begets discipline. That’s something I learned years ago. Unfortunately, it works in the reverse as well. The more you slack in one area, the easier it is to let something else slide. Well, I’m on  an uptick now and I plan to keep it going. So, as I journey back to a higher plane of living, I think I’ll find that place where my deferred dreams lie fallow. I don’t remember where or when I laid them down.  We never do, do we? But the good news is, you will inevitably find them as you merge back into that lane of action, discipline, and hope that will carry you toward your destination.

Working toward something

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I’ve been on a self-improvement kick for the last several months. Really, it’s a renewal of a lifelong effort. I’ve been working on being more punctual to work.  I’d been on time every day for a long time but started to backslide into old habits. I’m not on time every day yet, but I’m getting better. I’m on time some days and when I’m late it’s at least not as late as before.  When I’m late, I stay the extra minutes at the end of the day, which my workplace tolerates, but it’s not ideal, obviously. I’m doing daily devotionals which is important to me as a Christian. (I’m a progressive Christian, not at all a Christian Right adherent.) I read my bible and then read a daily excerpt in a non religious book called Journey to the Heart which is basically about being more spiritual and in tune with your emotions.

I started working out with the weight set and weight bench I have in my basement but hadn’t used in about 12 years. It’s now routine to do it three times a week. I started in late October.  I’ve increased the weight I used on various exercises twice already.  It feels good. I’m thankful  I’m healthy enough to do it.

I’ve been writing in my journal more to keep track of life events and my mood and reflections on them. It’s a great tool to process things  and helps to jog your memory when you look back on things as well as focusing on things you can improve on going forward.

I’m also trying to be more communicative with friends and family. When you let things bottle up and don’t talk about them with anyone, it can sour your mood and frame of mind.  I’m also doing counseling to that end.

I’ve been trying to catch up on projects on my living space. I put up a shelf in my bedroom that I’d had for years and never put in place. I got a new plant stand and better organized my many house plants. Making your environment more appealing is a great way to boost your mood.

I titled this post working toward something because I’ve done all these things for the purpose of general self-improvement without having a specific end goal in mind. As I work on general self- development, I begin to seek more focus for the future.  I know that I want to use the gift God gave me in writing more fully, but I need to zero in on the how and when to do each step of the way. That’s why I’m trying to get back to blogging more.  I hope people find it worthwhile. I certainly do. I know we’re all just trying to muddle through this world with some kind of positive outcome. It seems like some people only focus on interfering with others’ efforts to do that, but we can’t let that discourage us.

So, my title of “working toward something” may seem vague but it’s just being honest that I am still trying to focus on specifics, still trying to determine my purpose, my place in this world. Aren’t we all?

Let’s work on it together. Be an encourager and make your critiques specific and constructive. Don’t tear down, but build up. Make suggestions of things the other person can do, rather than criticize what they have done.

We’re all in this together. We’re all on the same team – humanity. Keep trying. Help others. Look for the good in life!

3 on 3/16/18 vs. 19

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Friday (3/16/18) was my three year anniversary at my job. It’s easy to remember the date, since it’s also my brother’s birthday.

A friend and coworker of mine, who shall remain nameless to respect privacy, had his 19 year anniversary about a week prior. It struck me what a different perspective the two milestones represent.

For my friend, not a notable event. He didn’t even realize it was his anniversary date until I mentioned it. I only knew because they post birthdays and work anniversary dates among other things on a bulletin board in the hall. I knew it wasn’t an exciting milestone for him and that he would rather be someplace else. I didn’t say this to him, because I totally get how he feels, but it is still an accomplishment. One shouldn’t beat themselves up for overstaying at a place where you’re comfortable instead of seeking new endeavors. Many people do it. There’s no shame in it. I support him in looking for something that utilizes his talents. He’s a good artist.

As for me, I’ve had five jobs in that time, and had a break from work for a while for medical reasons. The five jobs include the current one.  All of my past jobs paid very poorly. Not that I’m going to get rich at this one, but it’s better than where I was, and I get overtime.

So, when I look back three years, I’m thankful for where I am now. Although, I did get some good blog fodder at my last job, Assistant Manager at Family Dollar. (Check it out.) Mostly, I hated it, though. I had some great coworkers that made it bearable, and some nice regular customers. But, I couldn’t imagine doing 19 years there. So, I guess I know how my friend feels, or can imagine.

I remember feeling embarrassed telling people what I was doing at my 25th class reunion a few years ago, still at Family Dollar.  I quickly added that it was a stepping stone job every time I mentioned it. I was a top student in school. Of course, I know, I shouldn’t have been embarrassed. After all, they don’t know what led me there, or what I had to overcome.

Now, people say it sounds like a cool job when I tell them what I do. I don’t say that it’s actually really tedious. I do microfilming of material, mostly newspapers, for preservation. I started in the digital department doing Quality Assurance, then digital scanning of books, documents, slides, etc. I’ve also done prep for the microfilm department. So, I haven’t even done the same thing day in and day out for the three years I’ve been there. It went fast, and yet many days seem to crawl by.

I have no intention of being in my friends place 16 years from now. If I am, I’ll ask him to give me a good kick in the ass. He’ll understand. But seriously, I hope to write my way out of there.

It’s good motivation to write, when I think how it got to be three years already, and how unhappy I’d be if I hit nineteen years.  I don’t think that will happen though. I know I was put on this earth for a reason, and I intend to fulfill it.

I’ll look for inspiration and use my determination and talent to be the man God meant me to be. Life is what you make it, right? I feel like I’m giving myself a pep talk, but I hope you may benefit from my words. Maybe you’re happy in your job, or retired, but we all have dreams. Dare to pursue them, and take any help you can get along the way, because we’re all in this together.