personal growth

Light Friday Nights

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What used to be. What yet might be.

Light and quiet is fine for now for a guy in his mid 50’s. I miss the regular outings of just a few years ago, and the semi regular game nights, and the occasional movie outings, the free outdoor concerts of the summer, and even the Sci-Fi Friday lineup of old with my bro.

Life is always changing. People get busy, change jobs, fall in and out of grace, and grow apart. Going out is also so much more expensive than it used to be. For a while, the thrift shop after work and then my workout in my basement gym followed by grilling and deck time was the routine. Now, it seems no one is available, and I’m too tired to find anything on Netflix. The night falls quickly and my energy fades quicker still.

On the upside, I’m up earlier on Saturday and there’s always something to do with the house if I’m not going out anywhere. And, either Saturday or Sunday is Mom visit day, so the weekend is quickly filled up no matter what.

Sometimes, it feels like a funny magnet I found at a local festival this year: “Another fine day ruined by adulthood.” It’s true that life gets harder and fuller of responsibilities and obligations as you get older, but you also learn that your life and your actions, your thoughts and feelings have intrinsic value even if no one seems to notice or appreciate you. It’s called independence.

It’s harder to get a couple or few friends together when you’re over 40 or over 50, but you value the times you have together, even if they’re less frequent.

Recently, I’ve done things on weeknights which I’ve been avoiding for years since I get up pretty stinking early for work. Turns out, I can still do it. as long as I pace myself through the week. Feel like I need a wink emoji after that. Sounds kind of sad, but I’m making the effort. I’m living my life. I’m still standing and I’m looking ahead while still taking care of the immediacies.

The Holy Spirit, or the Universe, however you think of it, will sustain you as long as you do the best you can and be true to yourself. So keep up the good work, my good folks.

All Hallows Eve

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That’s what Halloween means. It’s the eve of All Saint’s Day. Many ancient cultures believed that spirits of the dead visited on this night. The weather in my area sure fit the day. It was very gray and chilly and windy, with the just changed leaves ripping free from the branches that had so recently sustained them and now flitted and fluttered wildly in the air. It felt spooky, but exhilarating as many folks celebrated in light-hearted fun a day that is steeped in dark and scary traditions.

It’s the third Halloween since my dad passed and my family has had some new concerns and transitions in recent months. I couldn’t help thinking about days gone by and how much life has changed. I miss the wholeness of my family unit and my dad’s quiet strength and stability, but I’m thankful for those traits which he passed on to me along with perseverance and tenacity, and an unflappable confidence borne of a love of life and faith in God.

On this day, with people dressing up as their favorite characters from pop culture, I feel like I can call upon my dad’s presence like Luke Skywalker talking to Obi Wan and Yoda surrounded by their ethereal glow courtesy of The Force. I can’t converse with him and he didn’t give a lot of direct advice, but his steady presence and loving air surround me and guide me.

When someone else is bringing their worries into your aura, expressing anxiety or even panic, it’s hard to hold onto that less tangible spiritual connection, but that’s when you just have to refocus, remember to breathe and put one foot in front of the other. God, and those who have gone before, are with you. And you are with you!

By that I mean that your own consciousness and experience are like an entity unto themselves. You’ve gotten through everything in your life so far and you’re still standing! No one else was there for every minute of that. Only you. So draw confidence from that and remember that you will keep growing and getting better at communing with your spirit, which is connected to God and the loved ones who have moved on. You got this!

Happy All Hallows Eve!

What might have been, pt 1

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This topic is inspired in part by a writing prompt from WordPress that suggested writing about your life in an alternate universe and another blogger’s accurate statement that “Some words lose their meaning when spoken too late.” (https://thebrokenspecs.wordpress.com/?_gl=1*adzjkd*_gcl_au*MTI1NzMwMTYxNC4xNzUwMjA3NDcx) That made me think about not just things you didn’t say, but things you did that you shouldn’t have or things you didn’t do that you wanted or needed to do and what a difference it could have made in your life. Of course, it’s a slippery slope if you start regretting and rethinking everything, so let’s not do that.

Instead, let’s think about lessons we’ve learned and how we might apply them in our lives at the present moment or the near future to affect positive change. Sometimes, looking back, in the context of finding your path forward can be healthy, if done in a positive context and frame of mind.

I used to sometimes cringe with anxiety when a memory of something done or said wrong, or left unsaid or undone, came bubbling right up to the surface of my mind. I’m happy to say that doesn’t happen anymore. I’ve learned to give myself a break when I remember those things. I know I did the best I could have, and I’ve learned tremendously from my experiences. I’m a stronger, healthier and more content person because I’ve always striven to learn and improve on myself. It starts with being honest with yourself. I’ve always been good at that. When I was younger, I was a little too honest with myself creating self-consciousness and anxiety and causing me to be too hard on myself. I’m sure I’m still my own worst critic as many of us are, but it’s a lot more balanced and tempered with more self-acceptance and confidence. I’ve seen some pretty awful people and a whole lot of middling folks who just don’t try very hard or just don’t care very much about others. And a lot of sociopaths. So yeah, I’m a pretty kind, talented, and likeable guy and I finally get that. So, this isn’t about beating oneself up, but looking for growth and direction.

So, what’s a good example? Hmmm. When I was in high school, I thought many times about joining drama club and trying out for a play. I did finally do it in the spring of my senior year, the last chance to do so. I’m glad I did that and didn’t have to regret not even trying. I was really good at the auditions and everyone said so. I was later told I had stage presence. But when you’re not one of the popular people in a small town, you don’t always get what you deserve.

I don’t remember the details, but I was being considered for the lead role, which included a kiss with the female lead. I remember walking into a class where the female front runner was talking to a friend and overhearing her say something about she would have had to kiss Mark Ritchey. (The horror!) I ended up with a three line part that added nothing to the play. In fact, when I quit in disgust after a couple rehearsals, they didn’t even reassign the part to anyone. They just cut it. I never found out exactly what went on behind the scenes, but I felt cheated and it was discouraging.

I still thought about acting for years after that. I thought about trying out for a play when I was attending community college and even stopped to get a script and met the professor directing the play. His office was right next to the media lab and main classroom of the communications program I majored in. Unfortunately, I didn’t follow through. I used the somewhat understandable excuse that I was too busy.

I still though about for years after, and I went to an audition for a short film at another college several years later. I didn’t get it, but I then took an acting class at Civic Theater of Allentown and had a blast. That’s where I was told by the teacher, and director of Civic, that I had stage presence. I didn’t pursue any auditions at Civic, but I made a friend in the class that I’m still friends with 20+ years later, and I started volunteering at the theater and worked for them for a while. I also founded a filmmaking group with the friend and others which I was involved with for years and produced a short film that I wrote.

So, I didn’t become an actor, but I acted on an interest. Instead of wondering what might have been, I got to see what did happen instead. Sure, there was disappointment and I didn’t do everything I had thought about (the play at community college), but it wasn’t the deep regret of total inaction. I made an effort.