personal growth

What might have been, pt 1

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This topic is inspired in part by a writing prompt from WordPress that suggested writing about your life in an alternate universe and another blogger’s accurate statement that “Some words lose their meaning when spoken too late.” (https://thebrokenspecs.wordpress.com/?_gl=1*adzjkd*_gcl_au*MTI1NzMwMTYxNC4xNzUwMjA3NDcx) That made me think about not just things you didn’t say, but things you did that you shouldn’t have or things you didn’t do that you wanted or needed to do and what a difference it could have made in your life. Of course, it’s a slippery slope if you start regretting and rethinking everything, so let’s not do that.

Instead, let’s think about lessons we’ve learned and how we might apply them in our lives at the present moment or the near future to affect positive change. Sometimes, looking back, in the context of finding your path forward can be healthy, if done in a positive context and frame of mind.

I used to sometimes cringe with anxiety when a memory of something done or said wrong, or left unsaid or undone, came bubbling right up to the surface of my mind. I’m happy to say that doesn’t happen anymore. I’ve learned to give myself a break when I remember those things. I know I did the best I could have, and I’ve learned tremendously from my experiences. I’m a stronger, healthier and more content person because I’ve always striven to learn and improve on myself. It starts with being honest with yourself. I’ve always been good at that. When I was younger, I was a little too honest with myself creating self-consciousness and anxiety and causing me to be too hard on myself. I’m sure I’m still my own worst critic as many of us are, but it’s a lot more balanced and tempered with more self-acceptance and confidence. I’ve seen some pretty awful people and a whole lot of middling folks who just don’t try very hard or just don’t care very much about others. And a lot of sociopaths. So yeah, I’m a pretty kind, talented, and likeable guy and I finally get that. So, this isn’t about beating oneself up, but looking for growth and direction.

So, what’s a good example? Hmmm. When I was in high school, I thought many times about joining drama club and trying out for a play. I did finally do it in the spring of my senior year, the last chance to do so. I’m glad I did that and didn’t have to regret not even trying. I was really good at the auditions and everyone said so. I was later told I had stage presence. But when you’re not one of the popular people in a small town, you don’t always get what you deserve.

I don’t remember the details, but I was being considered for the lead role, which included a kiss with the female lead. I remember walking into a class where the female front runner was talking to a friend and overhearing her say something about she would have had to kiss Mark Ritchey. (The horror!) I ended up with a three line part that added nothing to the play. In fact, when I quit in disgust after a couple rehearsals, they didn’t even reassign the part to anyone. They just cut it. I never found out exactly what went on behind the scenes, but I felt cheated and it was discouraging.

I still thought about acting for years after that. I thought about trying out for a play when I was attending community college and even stopped to get a script and met the professor directing the play. His office was right next to the media lab and main classroom of the communications program I majored in. Unfortunately, I didn’t follow through. I used the somewhat understandable excuse that I was too busy.

I still though about for years after, and I went to an audition for a short film at another college several years later. I didn’t get it, but I then took an acting class at Civic Theater of Allentown and had a blast. That’s where I was told by the teacher, and director of Civic, that I had stage presence. I didn’t pursue any auditions at Civic, but I made a friend in the class that I’m still friends with 20+ years later, and I started volunteering at the theater and worked for them for a while. I also founded a filmmaking group with the friend and others which I was involved with for years and produced a short film that I wrote.

So, I didn’t become an actor, but I acted on an interest. Instead of wondering what might have been, I got to see what did happen instead. Sure, there was disappointment and I didn’t do everything I had thought about (the play at community college), but it wasn’t the deep regret of total inaction. I made an effort.

Trekking on rail and trail

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   It was finally a nice day without humidity or rain today and since I had an appointment 2 hours after I’m done with work, I decided to take a nice walk rather than go home and then back out for my appointment. I went to a familiar place, Monocacy Park in Bethlehem by Ilick’s Mill, after going for an iced tea to drink along the walk.

  I usually just walk down the dirt path along the creek and back out the same way. Today, I headed down the trail next to the railroad bed and was almost immediately rewarded with the view of a grazing doe.  She didn’t move much until I was about 10 feet away.  Then, she only stepped a couple feet off the trail, as if to be polite but without being skittish at all. Obviously, she was quite accustomed to seeing people pass by her closely. I was glad I took the different route and continued the thought, going up to the railroad instead of back toward the creek.  It seemed like I got to the trestle a lot quicker that way compared to walking the creek trail. I guess it’s more direct.  I went a little past the train trestle than I usually do since I had time to kill and had gone a shorter route there.  I looked around, enjoying the scene and the warmth of the sun on my skin and the occasional breeze felt great. There was also a nice scene of the stream and butterfly bushes and other blooms to take in. I then returned to the point I started on the rail, but went back to the creek trail to return to my car.  I saw several types of birds and more flora.

   It was time to be headed to my appointment by the time I got to the car, the perfect diversion.  Even though I’ve walked there many times in the last few years, it felt like a different place today. Just that little change in course and location brought a whole different experience.  It also helped me clear my head for my appointment and taking care of some personal business at home. I felt more focused.

   I guess that’s a good life lesson.  A small adjustment in the daily grind can make the day go quicker.  A subtle shift in attitude or thinking, or even putting up a colorful bit of décor in your workspace, looking up some old tunes to listen to are all things that can change the background noise of your day enough to help you refocus.  Talk to someone new or share something different with someone you already talk to. Try a new lunch spot or a new shop for a drink or a snack on your way home.

Dare to make any day a day of change, a day of newness, or a day of different perspective.  Keep going and keep growing.

The good and and active listener

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Answering a “Sunday Poser” from https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/my-prompts-2/, a blog referred to me by my friend Matt: https://martist1970.com/.

The question from the Sunday Poser I chose to answer is “Are you a good listener?”

I have to say that generally I am, and I’ve been told that many times throughout my life. In my childhood and early teen years, I was very quiet and shy, so I ended up being the listener most of the time, especially in groups, even just two or three other people besides myself. I gradually came out of my shell from my later teens into my twenties. Now, I’m not shy at all anymore, and while I’m still an introvert and need alone time, I am not always quiet. Sometimes I can even be a little rambunctious. So, I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.

I’ve been a shoulder to lean on when someone just needs to be heard and unload. I’ve been an active listener when someone needs to discuss something and get some feedback or support, and try to gain some perspective. I’ve been the struggling listener whose energy level is higher than the other person’s and it’s hard to stay focused, or having to restrain myself from interrupting, too much.

I’m thankful for all the changes I’ve gone through over my 53 years and the broad experience and variety of people I’ve met who have taught me many lessons. Sometimes in a helpful way, sometimes not. I’ve also had a variety of jobs where I’ve interacted with people on a daily basis from all walks of life.

So to the early years, I was so quiet in my junior high years that people often forgot that I was there. I was like a fly on the wall, objectively observing the conversation, tonalities and facial expressions. I’d occasionally put in a few words when I felt compelled to, thinking I could offer some good advice, and I probably did, but I don’t know if people really heard it because they’d forgotten I was sitting there and felt like they’d been eavesdropped on. 😉 I’d laugh along with the others or express surprise or sadness or whatever emotion I and the others were feeling. I was internally engaged even if not verbally.

What I gained from that was quite a lot. I learned that we all have the same basic emotions, concerns, insecurities, and desires. I learned that we all do the same stupid things but some can laugh at ourselves and some can’t. I couldn’t until my late twenties. I credit my late friend Freddie C. for showing me that. He would be laughing the loudest if he did something dumb or goofy. I was always self conscious and anxious. After he died of leukemia at 25, I decided, among other things that I could honor him by learning to laugh at myself like he did. It took a while but I do that now.

All that fly-on-the-wall listening and observing helped develop the idea I’ve come to hold close, that we’re all in this together. Something the increasing political polarity of recent years is destroying. And I’m as guilty as any. I know it’s a divide and conquer technique, but sometimes I just get caught up in it. That’s why it’s so effective. And that’s an area where we all struggle to listen. We listen to argue, not to understand. Again, I include myself in that, though I try to understand where people are coming from. It’s really damn hard sometimes, though.

Sometimes I’m a really attentive “active listener”, making helpful comments on topic without sidetracking, absorbing what they are saying, and offering helpful feedback. And people are so appreciative of that, often saying so.

Then there are times when the active part is my own brain wandering and having my own version of the conversation in my head for a moment until I catch myself and try to “catch up” in my head what they just said, struggling to process everything as they continue on while I’m still reviewing the conversation up to that point. I don’t think I’m giving my best advice or support when that happens, but I hope I give enough back.

Other times, the active part is because I’m in a really good mood and, without meaning to, move on too quickly or make jokes at the wrong time. I hope the person understand and revisits the topic if they need/want to when that happens. I’m not perfect. No one is. But when you’re consistently open and accepting, they’ll get their chance to have the depth of discussion they’re looking for.

I guess the main point in listening is to pay the fullest attention you’re capable of and be genuine and NOT judgy. We’re all just human. Just a bunch of primates trying to learn and grow. Just a throng of sophisticated neanderthals. Do the best you can to connect with others and hope to get a little better at it over the years, or at least just be present. We’re all in the same boat.