personal growth

Trekking on rail and trail

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   It was finally a nice day without humidity or rain today and since I had an appointment 2 hours after I’m done with work, I decided to take a nice walk rather than go home and then back out for my appointment. I went to a familiar place, Monocacy Park in Bethlehem by Ilick’s Mill, after going for an iced tea to drink along the walk.

  I usually just walk down the dirt path along the creek and back out the same way. Today, I headed down the trail next to the railroad bed and was almost immediately rewarded with the view of a grazing doe.  She didn’t move much until I was about 10 feet away.  Then, she only stepped a couple feet off the trail, as if to be polite but without being skittish at all. Obviously, she was quite accustomed to seeing people pass by her closely. I was glad I took the different route and continued the thought, going up to the railroad instead of back toward the creek.  It seemed like I got to the trestle a lot quicker that way compared to walking the creek trail. I guess it’s more direct.  I went a little past the train trestle than I usually do since I had time to kill and had gone a shorter route there.  I looked around, enjoying the scene and the warmth of the sun on my skin and the occasional breeze felt great. There was also a nice scene of the stream and butterfly bushes and other blooms to take in. I then returned to the point I started on the rail, but went back to the creek trail to return to my car.  I saw several types of birds and more flora.

   It was time to be headed to my appointment by the time I got to the car, the perfect diversion.  Even though I’ve walked there many times in the last few years, it felt like a different place today. Just that little change in course and location brought a whole different experience.  It also helped me clear my head for my appointment and taking care of some personal business at home. I felt more focused.

   I guess that’s a good life lesson.  A small adjustment in the daily grind can make the day go quicker.  A subtle shift in attitude or thinking, or even putting up a colorful bit of décor in your workspace, looking up some old tunes to listen to are all things that can change the background noise of your day enough to help you refocus.  Talk to someone new or share something different with someone you already talk to. Try a new lunch spot or a new shop for a drink or a snack on your way home.

Dare to make any day a day of change, a day of newness, or a day of different perspective.  Keep going and keep growing.

The good and and active listener

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Answering a “Sunday Poser” from https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/my-prompts-2/, a blog referred to me by my friend Matt: https://martist1970.com/.

The question from the Sunday Poser I chose to answer is “Are you a good listener?”

I have to say that generally I am, and I’ve been told that many times throughout my life. In my childhood and early teen years, I was very quiet and shy, so I ended up being the listener most of the time, especially in groups, even just two or three other people besides myself. I gradually came out of my shell from my later teens into my twenties. Now, I’m not shy at all anymore, and while I’m still an introvert and need alone time, I am not always quiet. Sometimes I can even be a little rambunctious. So, I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.

I’ve been a shoulder to lean on when someone just needs to be heard and unload. I’ve been an active listener when someone needs to discuss something and get some feedback or support, and try to gain some perspective. I’ve been the struggling listener whose energy level is higher than the other person’s and it’s hard to stay focused, or having to restrain myself from interrupting, too much.

I’m thankful for all the changes I’ve gone through over my 53 years and the broad experience and variety of people I’ve met who have taught me many lessons. Sometimes in a helpful way, sometimes not. I’ve also had a variety of jobs where I’ve interacted with people on a daily basis from all walks of life.

So to the early years, I was so quiet in my junior high years that people often forgot that I was there. I was like a fly on the wall, objectively observing the conversation, tonalities and facial expressions. I’d occasionally put in a few words when I felt compelled to, thinking I could offer some good advice, and I probably did, but I don’t know if people really heard it because they’d forgotten I was sitting there and felt like they’d been eavesdropped on. 😉 I’d laugh along with the others or express surprise or sadness or whatever emotion I and the others were feeling. I was internally engaged even if not verbally.

What I gained from that was quite a lot. I learned that we all have the same basic emotions, concerns, insecurities, and desires. I learned that we all do the same stupid things but some can laugh at ourselves and some can’t. I couldn’t until my late twenties. I credit my late friend Freddie C. for showing me that. He would be laughing the loudest if he did something dumb or goofy. I was always self conscious and anxious. After he died of leukemia at 25, I decided, among other things that I could honor him by learning to laugh at myself like he did. It took a while but I do that now.

All that fly-on-the-wall listening and observing helped develop the idea I’ve come to hold close, that we’re all in this together. Something the increasing political polarity of recent years is destroying. And I’m as guilty as any. I know it’s a divide and conquer technique, but sometimes I just get caught up in it. That’s why it’s so effective. And that’s an area where we all struggle to listen. We listen to argue, not to understand. Again, I include myself in that, though I try to understand where people are coming from. It’s really damn hard sometimes, though.

Sometimes I’m a really attentive “active listener”, making helpful comments on topic without sidetracking, absorbing what they are saying, and offering helpful feedback. And people are so appreciative of that, often saying so.

Then there are times when the active part is my own brain wandering and having my own version of the conversation in my head for a moment until I catch myself and try to “catch up” in my head what they just said, struggling to process everything as they continue on while I’m still reviewing the conversation up to that point. I don’t think I’m giving my best advice or support when that happens, but I hope I give enough back.

Other times, the active part is because I’m in a really good mood and, without meaning to, move on too quickly or make jokes at the wrong time. I hope the person understand and revisits the topic if they need/want to when that happens. I’m not perfect. No one is. But when you’re consistently open and accepting, they’ll get their chance to have the depth of discussion they’re looking for.

I guess the main point in listening is to pay the fullest attention you’re capable of and be genuine and NOT judgy. We’re all just human. Just a bunch of primates trying to learn and grow. Just a throng of sophisticated neanderthals. Do the best you can to connect with others and hope to get a little better at it over the years, or at least just be present. We’re all in the same boat.

Rest and Discomfort

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As I spent three sick days home from work this week, I didn’t do much of anything for about 2 ½ days.  As I started to feel somewhat better the third day, I did a little catching up on personal business.  I needed to do something constructive because I was getting stir crazy. 

It occurred to me that the only time I just sit around relaxing for any length of time is when I’m sick. I don’t know if I just don’t know how to relax or if it’s because I’m just used to always having things to do being an active single guy, but it’s a pattern I’ve noticed before. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being busy most of the time. In fact, I feel more comfortable with it in recent years. Maybe that’s because the things that keep me busy are more things I choose than they used to be.  I used to feel like life was a series of obligations, things I have to do. From daily chores to social events to work.  But somewhere along the way, my obligations have either been replaced with chosen activities or  I’ve changed how I see my activities so that they don’t feel like obligations.

One of my “chores” is watering plants which I have upstairs and downstairs and in the warmer months, outside too. But I choose to have them and I enjoy the reward. I also put bird seed out and food for a few stray cats in my neighborhood.  I guess some of these things felt like obligations at first, but as they became part of my routine, I enjoyed the good feeling they brought. 

In recent months, I’ve added workouts three times a week, and daily devotion time after work (because it’s just too early to get up and do before work),  journaling , blogging; and for enjoyment, thrift shopping  and photography.  I’ve done a lot more photography in the last couple years starting with a photo-a-day challenge for cancer and I often get those pics on a nice nature walk.

So, yeah, I don’t sit still much and I could probably use a little more relaxation time, but I’m content in being busy. It’s life!