faith

All Hallows Eve

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That’s what Halloween means. It’s the eve of All Saint’s Day. Many ancient cultures believed that spirits of the dead visited on this night. The weather in my area sure fit the day. It was very gray and chilly and windy, with the just changed leaves ripping free from the branches that had so recently sustained them and now flitted and fluttered wildly in the air. It felt spooky, but exhilarating as many folks celebrated in light-hearted fun a day that is steeped in dark and scary traditions.

It’s the third Halloween since my dad passed and my family has had some new concerns and transitions in recent months. I couldn’t help thinking about days gone by and how much life has changed. I miss the wholeness of my family unit and my dad’s quiet strength and stability, but I’m thankful for those traits which he passed on to me along with perseverance and tenacity, and an unflappable confidence borne of a love of life and faith in God.

On this day, with people dressing up as their favorite characters from pop culture, I feel like I can call upon my dad’s presence like Luke Skywalker talking to Obi Wan and Yoda surrounded by their ethereal glow courtesy of The Force. I can’t converse with him and he didn’t give a lot of direct advice, but his steady presence and loving air surround me and guide me.

When someone else is bringing their worries into your aura, expressing anxiety or even panic, it’s hard to hold onto that less tangible spiritual connection, but that’s when you just have to refocus, remember to breathe and put one foot in front of the other. God, and those who have gone before, are with you. And you are with you!

By that I mean that your own consciousness and experience are like an entity unto themselves. You’ve gotten through everything in your life so far and you’re still standing! No one else was there for every minute of that. Only you. So draw confidence from that and remember that you will keep growing and getting better at communing with your spirit, which is connected to God and the loved ones who have moved on. You got this!

Happy All Hallows Eve!

A devotional perspective based on Mark 10:46-52 NIV  Bartimaeus receives his sight.

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In the above Bible passage, a blind man named Bartimaeus called out to Jesus as He and His disciples passed by.  The man cried out to Jesus to help him, to heal him.  We’re told that when he learned it was Jesus passing by, (v. 46)… he began to shout “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me!  48 Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!” and Jesus healed him.  Jesus told him “your faith has healed you.” 

As I read this passage, I thought, good for Bartimaeus for shouting out all the more! If he had allowed the nay sayers and doubters, those trying to repress him, to hold him back, then he would have lived the rest of his life in blindness and the resulting abject poverty!

His faith healed him and it was his faith that gave him the courage and tenacity to keep seeking what he needed, against opposition, and get connected with the source of power that would transform his life.  Indeed, his faith healed him. Never be afraid to speak out even against opposition, to declare what you need and get connected to help and whatever is necessary and helpful to bring the abundant life your faith enables you to see. It took a blind man to see what others couldn’t- the good life he knew awaited.

Does that mean things were instantly easy? Of course not.  He was starting from scratch having been a beggar his whole life.  He had much catching up to do, but he must have had so much joyous energy and rejuvenation to do the hard work ahead because he was given his sight!!

Take your healing and help from God, renew your energy and go burst on the scene with fervor and faith! The outstretched hand of God is always there waiting for you to take the help, even if opposition is very daunting and discouraging.  And watch out for those distractions! Stay focused and determined.

Romancing the gays

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
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I didn’t date much when I was younger in part, because of anxiety and shyness.  I might have been able to push past the anxiety with the help of those teen hormones, but I was also very deep in the closet. I was raised in a very religious home and I believed in what I was taught. (Still do, except for all the gays go to hell bit.) I did fear my mother’s disapproval, and my dad too to a lesser degree, but it was more than that. My faith was important to me and I wanted to be a good Christian and be right with God.

So religious repression worked with my anxiety to keep me from seeking romance with girls too much. It also didn’t help that I’m only five feet tall and was socially awkward back then. 

Now, I know that God loves me the way I am and I don’t fear lightning striking me down for having relations with another man. It’s too bad I figured that out when I was no longer young and fit. I also hit a time of depression and was on disability for about ten years. But now, I’ve been back to full time work for about twelve years and was working part time several years before that and over the last year I’ve lost weight and am working out again and looking better than I have for a long time.

So why have I still not delved into the gay dating arena? What is it I’m afraid of? As I take a good honest look at myself, I think it’s actually fear of trusting someone to be vulnerable and intimate with him.

I’ve had people betray me and manipulate or use me, and let me down all throughout my life. I do have misgivings about meeting strangers through dating apps, but I think I could get past that, just as I’ve gotten past the religious complications and depression and shyness.  All those reasons have faded away and I’m still not dating.  Yeah, I think it’s a trust thing. The thing I fear is putting myself out there. Fortunately, I can finally picture it happening. It’s not just a thing I say I’m going to do eventually. Change is coming this year, I think. I hope.