anxiety

Romancing the gays

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
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I didn’t date much when I was younger in part, because of anxiety and shyness.  I might have been able to push past the anxiety with the help of those teen hormones, but I was also very deep in the closet. I was raised in a very religious home and I believed in what I was taught. (Still do, except for all the gays go to hell bit.) I did fear my mother’s disapproval, and my dad too to a lesser degree, but it was more than that. My faith was important to me and I wanted to be a good Christian and be right with God.

So religious repression worked with my anxiety to keep me from seeking romance with girls too much. It also didn’t help that I’m only five feet tall and was socially awkward back then. 

Now, I know that God loves me the way I am and I don’t fear lightning striking me down for having relations with another man. It’s too bad I figured that out when I was no longer young and fit. I also hit a time of depression and was on disability for about ten years. But now, I’ve been back to full time work for about twelve years and was working part time several years before that and over the last year I’ve lost weight and am working out again and looking better than I have for a long time.

So why have I still not delved into the gay dating arena? What is it I’m afraid of? As I take a good honest look at myself, I think it’s actually fear of trusting someone to be vulnerable and intimate with him.

I’ve had people betray me and manipulate or use me, and let me down all throughout my life. I do have misgivings about meeting strangers through dating apps, but I think I could get past that, just as I’ve gotten past the religious complications and depression and shyness.  All those reasons have faded away and I’m still not dating.  Yeah, I think it’s a trust thing. The thing I fear is putting myself out there. Fortunately, I can finally picture it happening. It’s not just a thing I say I’m going to do eventually. Change is coming this year, I think. I hope.

Introverts, Be You!

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   I’ve just started reading a book about an introverted young woman trying to be an extrovert for a year.  The title is “Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want to Come.” It’s pretty good so far.  I’m also an introvert, but thankfully not a shy introvert anymore like the author is. I was painfully shy until my mid teen years and it was a long slow process coming out of my shell. 

   As I said, I’m still an introvert but I do enjoy social events now. I love hanging out with friends, going places and doing things, and meeting new people. I just need downtime to reenergize in between. A good example would be back in my late twenties when I worked in the Men’s Department at Sears and we had “Super Saturdays” every week of the Christmas season. We had four registers and the lines were all a mile long.  I actually enjoyed the stimulation and the holiday atmosphere.  I cheerfully waited on customer after customer, for two or three hours. Unfortunately, it went on a good hour longer than my energy lasted. By the time I got a break, I was emotionally exhausted. I just felt drained, not anxious or depressed or angry or anything like that. Just pretty tuckered out. But after a somewhat secluded break, I felt rested.

   When I was younger, I had a lot more anxiety and the above experience might have been more intimidating, and not so enjoyable. I had both generalized and social anxiety. I don’t have much anxiety anymore. Frankly, I don’t care too much about what other people think as I’ve gained experience and confidence. I’ve also met a lot of nasty or arrogant people.  Their negativity is their problem, not mine.  It’s very freeing when you realize that, while not perfect, you’re one of the good ones and there’s no need to be fettered by jealous haters, snobs, well meaning friends and family, or malicious sociapaths. (I’ve met all kinds.) Focus on the good folks you meet and don’t worry about the rest, or their judgment. It doesn’t matter.

   You be you!  And have the confidence and sense of adventure to keep developing who that is.

What might have been, pt.2

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Continuing from yesterday:

I worked at McDonald’s my junior and senior years. My class rank (out of about 200) went from 4th in my freshmen year to not even ranked my senior year. I always resented that I had to work while others didn’t and pulled way ahead of me academically.  Of course, some of the top ten must have worked. I probably just wasn’t aware of it. It’s a self pity thing.

Then there’s the social life in junior and senior high. (We didn’t have middle school in Bangor at that time.) I had a couple of friends that I did things with some weekends before I worked. Once I started working, I didn’t have much of a life at all.

I did meet my only girlfriend of my adolescence when people at McDonald’s set us up. It didn’t last long. We made a cute couple but had little in common. There was also the constant anxiety, and on top of that, being gay but not being fully aware of it.  And, while there was opportunity, the short-lived romance did not include any physical relations.

My anxiety was probably compounded by the deeply buried truth of my sexual orientation and the fear of facing it. So, I “opted out” of dating to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Perhaps work wasn’t just about the needed money. It also gave me an escape from the social situations I both craved and feared.

I commuted to a nearby university after high school for 3 semesters. I changed my major in that short time, but still had no clue what I was doing or where I was going. I took time off to figure things out. I sometimes wonder if going away to school would have forced me to adapt and “catch up” emotionally and socially with other people my age, and find direction. I could also have had a nervous break down. Only God knows.

In the meantime, I left McDonald’s, of which I had been sick and tired for quite a while. After an unsuccessful search, I wound up working a small amount of hours at the hardware store where my dad worked for years, then wound up delivering pizzas. I became the manager of the privately owned pizza and sub shop when the former manager was caught stealing money.

I got my associate’s degree from community college while working there, but was too burned out to go right on to more college. Months turned into years and I never did get that bachelor’s degree. Another regret.

It was when I finally got out of the pizza shop to a Mon. through Fri. job that I finally started to see a lot of these things to which I was oblivious to that point. It was a mundane repetitive job and I had a lot of time to think and listen to talk radio. I finally saw the light about my bipolar depression and anxiety. Then I saw a shrink. And it was good.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what might have been. It matters what is yet to come. Besides, who’s to say things would have been so great if I’d have had more support, or privilege or popularity. Maybe it would have just caused more stress and anxiety.

I’m a stronger and more well-balanced person and a more insightful writer. I’m more spiritual and grounded. I don’t know what may yet be, but knowing where I’ve been, and being ok with it all, clears the way for good things to happen.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Well, I’m here. Bring it on, future. I’m ready.