Author: Mark Thomas Ritchey

The good and and active listener

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Answering a “Sunday Poser” from https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/my-prompts-2/, a blog referred to me by my friend Matt: https://martist1970.com/.

The question from the Sunday Poser I chose to answer is “Are you a good listener?”

I have to say that generally I am, and I’ve been told that many times throughout my life. In my childhood and early teen years, I was very quiet and shy, so I ended up being the listener most of the time, especially in groups, even just two or three other people besides myself. I gradually came out of my shell from my later teens into my twenties. Now, I’m not shy at all anymore, and while I’m still an introvert and need alone time, I am not always quiet. Sometimes I can even be a little rambunctious. So, I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.

I’ve been a shoulder to lean on when someone just needs to be heard and unload. I’ve been an active listener when someone needs to discuss something and get some feedback or support, and try to gain some perspective. I’ve been the struggling listener whose energy level is higher than the other person’s and it’s hard to stay focused, or having to restrain myself from interrupting, too much.

I’m thankful for all the changes I’ve gone through over my 53 years and the broad experience and variety of people I’ve met who have taught me many lessons. Sometimes in a helpful way, sometimes not. I’ve also had a variety of jobs where I’ve interacted with people on a daily basis from all walks of life.

So to the early years, I was so quiet in my junior high years that people often forgot that I was there. I was like a fly on the wall, objectively observing the conversation, tonalities and facial expressions. I’d occasionally put in a few words when I felt compelled to, thinking I could offer some good advice, and I probably did, but I don’t know if people really heard it because they’d forgotten I was sitting there and felt like they’d been eavesdropped on. 😉 I’d laugh along with the others or express surprise or sadness or whatever emotion I and the others were feeling. I was internally engaged even if not verbally.

What I gained from that was quite a lot. I learned that we all have the same basic emotions, concerns, insecurities, and desires. I learned that we all do the same stupid things but some can laugh at ourselves and some can’t. I couldn’t until my late twenties. I credit my late friend Freddie C. for showing me that. He would be laughing the loudest if he did something dumb or goofy. I was always self conscious and anxious. After he died of leukemia at 25, I decided, among other things that I could honor him by learning to laugh at myself like he did. It took a while but I do that now.

All that fly-on-the-wall listening and observing helped develop the idea I’ve come to hold close, that we’re all in this together. Something the increasing political polarity of recent years is destroying. And I’m as guilty as any. I know it’s a divide and conquer technique, but sometimes I just get caught up in it. That’s why it’s so effective. And that’s an area where we all struggle to listen. We listen to argue, not to understand. Again, I include myself in that, though I try to understand where people are coming from. It’s really damn hard sometimes, though.

Sometimes I’m a really attentive “active listener”, making helpful comments on topic without sidetracking, absorbing what they are saying, and offering helpful feedback. And people are so appreciative of that, often saying so.

Then there are times when the active part is my own brain wandering and having my own version of the conversation in my head for a moment until I catch myself and try to “catch up” in my head what they just said, struggling to process everything as they continue on while I’m still reviewing the conversation up to that point. I don’t think I’m giving my best advice or support when that happens, but I hope I give enough back.

Other times, the active part is because I’m in a really good mood and, without meaning to, move on too quickly or make jokes at the wrong time. I hope the person understand and revisits the topic if they need/want to when that happens. I’m not perfect. No one is. But when you’re consistently open and accepting, they’ll get their chance to have the depth of discussion they’re looking for.

I guess the main point in listening is to pay the fullest attention you’re capable of and be genuine and NOT judgy. We’re all just human. Just a bunch of primates trying to learn and grow. Just a throng of sophisticated neanderthals. Do the best you can to connect with others and hope to get a little better at it over the years, or at least just be present. We’re all in the same boat.

Fate is blowing in the wind

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Daily writing prompt
Do you believe in fate/destiny?
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Do I believe in fate? Yes. And no. I believe the major points in life, or at least our overall purpose, is influenced by fate, but not necessarily written in stone. There are infinite possibilities that the path of life can take us on, but some things would come about no matter what path plays out. I think Forrest Gump said it best in the scene where he’s talking to his dead mama at here grave. He says he doesn’t know if we all have a destiny like Lt. Dan says or if we’re all just kind of floating on the wind. (Remember the feather in the opening and closing shots?) Forrest says, “I think, maybe, it’s both.” A combination of fate and making our own way as we bump into each other along the way.

That’s where I stand. The blended destiny of influence and effort. It’s like when people experience tragedy or loss. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can choose how to react. That makes all the difference.

In the same way, other people can influence you for better or for worse. That influence can be direct and invited or manipulative and unwanted. You can choose to let them in or shut them out. To let them change your mind or ignore them. To proceed as planned or change course. Sometimes the result is the same no matter what you do. Maybe that’s fate.

It’s hard not to talk about fate vs. making your own destiny without at least touching on the question of God. Most people believe in some concept of a higher power, whether it’s the traditional view of a masculine God in trinity: Father, Son and Holy Ghost, or something more abstract: The Universe, a universal force, or the collective unconscious. I grew up in a Christian family and have gone to Christian protestant or Christian non-denominational churches throughout my life and I’m comfortable thinking of God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I am not threatened or offended by other beliefs, though. When someone says something like “the Universe is pushing me to do this” or the Universe made that happen, I’m okay with that. I prefer to think of it as God and that the Holy Spirit works and moves within our souls, but what’s important is that there’s some connection that runs through us all on a spiritual plane. In other words, in our souls.

And yes, I think that spiritual realm influences our place in the world and the path our lives take. But we affect it as well. God gave us free will. We aren’t brainless automatons who have no choice but to do God’s will. We can listen to Him or go our own way. And He gives us freedom to explore and forge our path. But there are inevitabilities in life that we have no control over, like death. We all grow old and die and sometimes we lose people before they get old. That can certainly shape our lives one way or another. So again, it comes down to how we react to life’s situations.

Another big area of influence on our lives is who we let into our world. I think it’s, again, a blending of destiny and action. We may meet a friend or significant other who have a profound influence on us, for good or ill. It can mean the difference between success and failure, ordinary or extraordinary, or contentment and unrest.

So, what’s the answer? I guess it’s to keep moving, trying our best to grow and develop as a person, to choose wisely who we walk with and be ready for whatever Life, or Fate sends our way. Do the best with the cards you’re dealt.

Disconnected in a world of connectivity

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These days, everything has connectivity, from our pocket computers (phones) to our cars to appliances, sometimes even our whole house. But how many of us feel connected to each other? How many neighbors do you know by name? How many coworkers or church members do you say hello to without really knowing much about them or what’s going on in their lives? I’m not trying to point fingers. I can think of plenty of people I only exchange perfunctory greetings with. It’s not that I don’t want to get to know them. I just tend to get in a rut and don’t initiate conversations with people I don’t know, even though I’m actually quite curious about those around me.

I guess it’s partly the introvert/extrovert thing and often, just being tired and a little withdrawn as a result. And, of course, we’re all busy all the time and rushing from one thing to another.

But I’ve found that when you make the effort to talk to someone new, they are eager to reciprocate. We all want to be more connected to others and the world around us, beyond the electronic level. I’m talking real person to person interaction.

Some people blame social media for the lack of real life experience, but I’ve often started talking to people at church or at work because I became Facebook friends and then talked to the person next time I saw them IRL. Social media can be a tool to help break the ice and can enhance real world connection rather than replace it. It’s all in how you use it.

In high school, I used novelty tee shirts as an icebreaker, especially The Far Side. I was kind of known for it. You could use unique articles of clothing or jewelry for icebreakers. Point is, to make the effort and to take time to notice those around you. Find connections in the maze of connectivity.