personal growth

The (un)Wisdom of Age

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Some of my coworkers of the last several years who are several years older than me, have often said that they have “no filter”. Meaning that they don’t care what others think or who might be offended by what they say, which reflects what they think, of course. When I first heard this, I thought it was a negative thing, like, if the majority of people hearing something you said are offended, maybe there’s a reason. I think there’s validity to that thinking, but maybe they’re not all wrong.

I don’t mean that it’s ok to go around offending people left and right, but in these days, almost anything you say can spark offense or controversy with someone. There’s a fine line between what’s offensive and what’s just challenging or even questioning, in an objective ponderous way. We’ve become so polarized by political differences and divisive leaders that we have forgotten how to disagree agreeably. I don’t claim to be above this or that I’ve never been divisive, but I try not to be. It especially helps when someone I know and respect reminds me that they might agree with some of the things that I rail about.

So, it’s good to not let the approval/non approval of others to shape your personality or beliefs, or to stifle your voice, but maybe your coworkers, friends, friends of friends, parents of friends, family of significant others, church members and others can help remind us that we are all in this together and that we, the people, the working schlubs who are the backbone of this country and the world economy, are not all that different. The powers that be among the super wealthy and the upper levels of government, industry and society are the ones who can’t get along and push their own agendas on the rest of us, often to our detriment.

Last fall, two gay friends and I sat in a crowded pub after playing pickleball by the invite of a couple who invited us to join them at their table. We chatted about general things while the Phillies lost a key game in the playoffs, which disappointed us all. The longer we talked, the more I sensed they weren’t totally liberal, but they also weren’t spouting right wing aggression at us. We all got along and even commented on that. They were really nice people and I wouldn’t have cared if they were Trumpers. They were just people. Middle class people who have had similar life experiences and came from similar backgrounds and lived in the same area. I could relate to them. Politicians from all over the country and vastly different socio-economic roots can’t seem to do what the rest of us do: find common ground.

Maybe we should just keep firing them all every 2, 4, or 6 years, depending on the length of their terms.

Romancing the gays

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
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I didn’t date much when I was younger in part, because of anxiety and shyness.  I might have been able to push past the anxiety with the help of those teen hormones, but I was also very deep in the closet. I was raised in a very religious home and I believed in what I was taught. (Still do, except for all the gays go to hell bit.) I did fear my mother’s disapproval, and my dad too to a lesser degree, but it was more than that. My faith was important to me and I wanted to be a good Christian and be right with God.

So religious repression worked with my anxiety to keep me from seeking romance with girls too much. It also didn’t help that I’m only five feet tall and was socially awkward back then. 

Now, I know that God loves me the way I am and I don’t fear lightning striking me down for having relations with another man. It’s too bad I figured that out when I was no longer young and fit. I also hit a time of depression and was on disability for about ten years. But now, I’ve been back to full time work for about twelve years and was working part time several years before that and over the last year I’ve lost weight and am working out again and looking better than I have for a long time.

So why have I still not delved into the gay dating arena? What is it I’m afraid of? As I take a good honest look at myself, I think it’s actually fear of trusting someone to be vulnerable and intimate with him.

I’ve had people betray me and manipulate or use me, and let me down all throughout my life. I do have misgivings about meeting strangers through dating apps, but I think I could get past that, just as I’ve gotten past the religious complications and depression and shyness.  All those reasons have faded away and I’m still not dating.  Yeah, I think it’s a trust thing. The thing I fear is putting myself out there. Fortunately, I can finally picture it happening. It’s not just a thing I say I’m going to do eventually. Change is coming this year, I think. I hope.

Dreams Deferred and where to find them

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Do you have a dream that you’ve wanted since a young age, but you haven’t worked toward it in years? Well, if you haven’t totally given up on it, then it’s not dead.  It’s not a fail. It’s a dream deferred. Welcome aboard. I’ve got one too.

When I was in 6th grade and having some behavioral problems for the first and only time in my school years, I discovered that I love to write and I was pretty good at it. I made it a goal to write a book. I’m 53, and that dream is unfulfilled.  As are the additional dreams that have grown from that first seed.  Writing a book series,  a book in all my favored genres,  a screenplay,  multiple screenplays, a blockbuster movie. My dreams have gotten loftier and more numerous as I’ve experienced life and grown in confidence and ambition.

Yet they are all unfulfilled. I’ve given it much thought over the years and the main reason the above dreams lie dormant, is lack of discipline.  There are many accompanying excuses: no time, no energy, bad jobs sucked my energy away, toxic people sucked my energy away, depression, anxiety, lack of support, lack of direction, not sure how to go about it, health problems, financial insecurity, etc., etc.

Sure, some of these are pretty good excuses and are certainly things that have to be addressed, but did they take ALL of my time and energy? No. Could I have done at least one of these goals despite those things? Yes. But I didn’t .  I’m not beating myself up.  I did have some pretty tough challenges and have been largely on my own. (Partly my own fault for not talking about it to anyone or seeking positive relationships.)

But when it comes down to it, I could have done more writing. I could have chosen a specific goal and kept at it until it was achieved, but I didn’t. Discipline is hard. Damn hard. It’s hard to establish and easily derailed.

Before I completely demoralize you all, let me move on to the positives. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been doing a lot of work on several areas of self-improvement. (Discipline is the mode of transportation  to an improved self.) I’ve been working out and am already in the best shape I’ve been since at least 40.  I’m getting better with punctuality (again) and I’ve been really good about doing a daily devotional time where I read some in my Bible and read from a spiritual, but not religious devotional book. (Journey to the Heart), writing in my journal, and restarting my blog. While I haven’t gotten back into a project of writing, all of these efforts take discipline to do and help me to be more disciplined overall.

Discipline begets discipline. That’s something I learned years ago. Unfortunately, it works in the reverse as well. The more you slack in one area, the easier it is to let something else slide. Well, I’m on  an uptick now and I plan to keep it going. So, as I journey back to a higher plane of living, I think I’ll find that place where my deferred dreams lie fallow. I don’t remember where or when I laid them down.  We never do, do we? But the good news is, you will inevitably find them as you merge back into that lane of action, discipline, and hope that will carry you toward your destination.