life

Failing patience, fading empathy

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I find myself getting impatient with my elderly mother more quickly and more frequently than I used to. She has always been an extreme worrier, engaging in catastrophizing and panic, always assuming the worst, sometimes imagining well beyond the worst-case scenario fearing things that there’s basically no chance will be the outcome of the situation. It started getting considerably worse in the fall of 2022 and continues to be so. It may be a side effect of a medication or her age exacerbating things, but the increase of problems started about the time my dad’s fight with cancer started taking more of a toll. He was gone six months later.

My mom and dad were married 56 years and when you include dating and engagement, were together for just about 60 years. I understand that her anchor was gone and she felt more vulnerable. I did a lot of things to help her with everyday personal business like making calls with her to Social Security, insurance companies, then renewing said insurance, and transferring the van and getting a new handicapped plate, checking her math when balancing the checkbook. All things she knows how to do but hadn’t been doing them for a number of years.

I also made improvements to her physical environment. I had replaced a bookshelf a year or so earlier and still had the old one, so I took it to her and made room for it, put it in place and moved the books and other items to it. I also gave her a little corner shelf that I hadn’t been using for a while and helped get that in place and found a little side table that would work next to her couch better than what was there already. I didn’t even realize it, but the table had been my dad’s before they met, so she really appreciated having that.

It seemed like things were improving, and indeed I think she was coping well for a number of months of the first year without my dad, but then she started to say she felt “blue” more often when I asked how she was. It felt like my efforts were all in vain. Like no matter how much I did, it wasn’t enough and she just kept doing worse. She wasn’t oblivious to this decline in mood and in fact, talked to the nurse practitioner at her primary care and they tried her on an antidepressant for a while but that only seemed to make her worse and it was stopped.

After a while, it seemed like her mood leveled off to some degree, enough to cope and find enjoyment in things, but the worrying and panic got worse. It’s very draining to have several calls a week from your mother, who was so strong and wise when she was raising you, in a state of panic because she got some strange call or text on her phone. Like a scammer can somehow ruin your life even if you don’t respond to them.

I tell her to think about what would be the worst that could happen and it’s not going to be as bad as her initial fear-filled reaction has her thinking. And even if the worst happened, she’d get through it. I guess she doesn’t see it as a choice, how you react to something. It’s been an automatic response for so long that she must feel like she can’t control it and that it’s something that just happens, not of her own volition. Maybe that’s true to some degree because it’s hard to retrain your brain when you’re in your 80’s. But I think there’s always room for improvement if the effort is made.

What’s funny is that I used to be so patient that I’ve had people tell me that I have the patience of a saint. In fact, there was more than one occasion when I worked in retail that the next person in line would say so after I finished with a difficult customer. But in the last 6 or 7 years, the harassment that I’ve mentioned in other posts, has eaten up any patience, tolerance, or forgiveness, and even empathy that I had in me. I could easily do a whole post just on that point, but this one is about trying to be there for my mom.

I think the solution is to talk about things on a regular basis and specifically about managing fear and anxiety, to plan for the moments that spark intense worry and be ready for it; to have coping strategies and specific actions to take. Calming imagery or memories, music, inspiring quotes, and mindfulness. I don’t think that’s a concept that anyone ever taught her, but it’d be very helpful to stop and think, observe and then proceed with caution.

It’s always better to get out in front of an issue than to wait till something happens that’s harder to deal with. Of course, that’s easier said than done. But most things worth doing are. I know that my mom is a strong and intelligent person and that God has given me a good heart, patience and kindness. I’ll just have to keep any situational irritability out of the equation and be true to myself and see the strength and ability in her that has always been there. You’ve got to stick together with family and help one another in love. Same goes for friends.

Resist, Rise, Reign

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When dealing with bullies, or harassment, or systemic oppression, or any persistent problem, really, there are three important facets in affecting positive change.

The first is to resist. Anything they try to do to you, you evade or circumvent their efforts to whatever degree you can, you sabotage their efforts and you power through. Most importantly, though, after you’ve done any remediation you can, you simply live your life as though that wasn’t going on.  Take the wind out of their sails. Bullies can’t stand it when their efforts go in vain.  Take pleasure in knowing that it pisses them off to see you flourish. That helps to alleviate your own rage. Turn the tables on them.  It’s not that they’re harassing you and getting away with it. It’s more like you making them ineffective and feeble, irrelevant, and pathetic losers. That’s what they are, of course.

As you resist, you will also rise against them.  You will rise to a new level of existence. As you live in heightened awareness and ramped up determination, due to necessity, you will hone your coping skills and sharpen your God given strengths.  You will learn that you are stronger than they are, and even stronger than you knew  yourself to be.  Bullies are weak, childish beings. They are powerless before God! Keep that in perspective. 

Unfortunately, when bullying or harassment continues for years on end, as I am experiencing, it’s inevitable that it will get to you at times. You’re only human, after all, but just keep your eye on the prize. Play the long game, and play to win! You’re better than they are!

I have a magnet that has a silhouette of Bigfoot and says “Believe in yourself, even if no one else will.” I claim that over and over.  I’ve been maligned and defamed and slandered by my enemies, underestimated and dismissed and misunderstood by friends and family, but I’ve learned to be self reliant. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, friend or foe. No one else has walked in my shoes. They can judge and dismiss all they want. I shall not be moved!

The last leg of the tripod of defense may seem a bit surprising.  To reign.  It’s bold, I know, but what I mean is to reign over your own life. Own the things you can control and let go of the things you can’t. Be you, and do it full blast! The more they try to crush you, the more you rise! Double down defiantly against the tyranny of the inferior!

An example of that is when I started weight training last fall despite continuous and ever escalating harassment.  Despite being dog tired all the time, and getting a cold once a month like clockwork, I started working out for the first time in about 12 or so years.  I was inspired by a book by David Goggins called “Can’t Hurt Me”.  I highly recommend it.

So, get out there and reign over your mind, your emotions, your talents, your life!  Take help if and when you can get it, and don’t shut out family and friends even though they may piss you off sometimes with their misunderstanding.  No human is an island. You’ll need allies, but you’ve got to have your own body, mind and soul in the right place first. And remind yourself every day that: I believe in myself! I can do it! I shall not be moved! I will overcome! I will Resist, Rise, Reign!!!

Editor’s note: a friend who read this entry posted a comment, which I chose not to approve because it was a bit sarcastic and even felt a little bit mocking. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention, but I just didn’t want to allow any negativity to spoil the post. (I will note that this friend is very good about reading my posts and nudging me when I don’t post for a long time. I appreciate both those things. But I think he misinterpreted the part about starting to workout despite harassment. I was not saying that I’m harassed during workouts, but that the harassment has been constant in every aspect of my life for years on end and I began working out in that environment, despite external negative pressures. I took a positive, healthy action in the midst of petty people trying to drag me down. Perhaps I’m tooting my own horn in saying that, but hey, I deserve it. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. And if they still don’t, double down.

The good and and active listener

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Answering a “Sunday Poser” from https://lifeafter50forwomen.com/my-prompts-2/, a blog referred to me by my friend Matt: https://martist1970.com/.

The question from the Sunday Poser I chose to answer is “Are you a good listener?”

I have to say that generally I am, and I’ve been told that many times throughout my life. In my childhood and early teen years, I was very quiet and shy, so I ended up being the listener most of the time, especially in groups, even just two or three other people besides myself. I gradually came out of my shell from my later teens into my twenties. Now, I’m not shy at all anymore, and while I’m still an introvert and need alone time, I am not always quiet. Sometimes I can even be a little rambunctious. So, I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum.

I’ve been a shoulder to lean on when someone just needs to be heard and unload. I’ve been an active listener when someone needs to discuss something and get some feedback or support, and try to gain some perspective. I’ve been the struggling listener whose energy level is higher than the other person’s and it’s hard to stay focused, or having to restrain myself from interrupting, too much.

I’m thankful for all the changes I’ve gone through over my 53 years and the broad experience and variety of people I’ve met who have taught me many lessons. Sometimes in a helpful way, sometimes not. I’ve also had a variety of jobs where I’ve interacted with people on a daily basis from all walks of life.

So to the early years, I was so quiet in my junior high years that people often forgot that I was there. I was like a fly on the wall, objectively observing the conversation, tonalities and facial expressions. I’d occasionally put in a few words when I felt compelled to, thinking I could offer some good advice, and I probably did, but I don’t know if people really heard it because they’d forgotten I was sitting there and felt like they’d been eavesdropped on. 😉 I’d laugh along with the others or express surprise or sadness or whatever emotion I and the others were feeling. I was internally engaged even if not verbally.

What I gained from that was quite a lot. I learned that we all have the same basic emotions, concerns, insecurities, and desires. I learned that we all do the same stupid things but some can laugh at ourselves and some can’t. I couldn’t until my late twenties. I credit my late friend Freddie C. for showing me that. He would be laughing the loudest if he did something dumb or goofy. I was always self conscious and anxious. After he died of leukemia at 25, I decided, among other things that I could honor him by learning to laugh at myself like he did. It took a while but I do that now.

All that fly-on-the-wall listening and observing helped develop the idea I’ve come to hold close, that we’re all in this together. Something the increasing political polarity of recent years is destroying. And I’m as guilty as any. I know it’s a divide and conquer technique, but sometimes I just get caught up in it. That’s why it’s so effective. And that’s an area where we all struggle to listen. We listen to argue, not to understand. Again, I include myself in that, though I try to understand where people are coming from. It’s really damn hard sometimes, though.

Sometimes I’m a really attentive “active listener”, making helpful comments on topic without sidetracking, absorbing what they are saying, and offering helpful feedback. And people are so appreciative of that, often saying so.

Then there are times when the active part is my own brain wandering and having my own version of the conversation in my head for a moment until I catch myself and try to “catch up” in my head what they just said, struggling to process everything as they continue on while I’m still reviewing the conversation up to that point. I don’t think I’m giving my best advice or support when that happens, but I hope I give enough back.

Other times, the active part is because I’m in a really good mood and, without meaning to, move on too quickly or make jokes at the wrong time. I hope the person understand and revisits the topic if they need/want to when that happens. I’m not perfect. No one is. But when you’re consistently open and accepting, they’ll get their chance to have the depth of discussion they’re looking for.

I guess the main point in listening is to pay the fullest attention you’re capable of and be genuine and NOT judgy. We’re all just human. Just a bunch of primates trying to learn and grow. Just a throng of sophisticated neanderthals. Do the best you can to connect with others and hope to get a little better at it over the years, or at least just be present. We’re all in the same boat.