inspiration

Trekking on rail and trail

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   It was finally a nice day without humidity or rain today and since I had an appointment 2 hours after I’m done with work, I decided to take a nice walk rather than go home and then back out for my appointment. I went to a familiar place, Monocacy Park in Bethlehem by Ilick’s Mill, after going for an iced tea to drink along the walk.

  I usually just walk down the dirt path along the creek and back out the same way. Today, I headed down the trail next to the railroad bed and was almost immediately rewarded with the view of a grazing doe.  She didn’t move much until I was about 10 feet away.  Then, she only stepped a couple feet off the trail, as if to be polite but without being skittish at all. Obviously, she was quite accustomed to seeing people pass by her closely. I was glad I took the different route and continued the thought, going up to the railroad instead of back toward the creek.  It seemed like I got to the trestle a lot quicker that way compared to walking the creek trail. I guess it’s more direct.  I went a little past the train trestle than I usually do since I had time to kill and had gone a shorter route there.  I looked around, enjoying the scene and the warmth of the sun on my skin and the occasional breeze felt great. There was also a nice scene of the stream and butterfly bushes and other blooms to take in. I then returned to the point I started on the rail, but went back to the creek trail to return to my car.  I saw several types of birds and more flora.

   It was time to be headed to my appointment by the time I got to the car, the perfect diversion.  Even though I’ve walked there many times in the last few years, it felt like a different place today. Just that little change in course and location brought a whole different experience.  It also helped me clear my head for my appointment and taking care of some personal business at home. I felt more focused.

   I guess that’s a good life lesson.  A small adjustment in the daily grind can make the day go quicker.  A subtle shift in attitude or thinking, or even putting up a colorful bit of décor in your workspace, looking up some old tunes to listen to are all things that can change the background noise of your day enough to help you refocus.  Talk to someone new or share something different with someone you already talk to. Try a new lunch spot or a new shop for a drink or a snack on your way home.

Dare to make any day a day of change, a day of newness, or a day of different perspective.  Keep going and keep growing.

Rest and Discomfort

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As I spent three sick days home from work this week, I didn’t do much of anything for about 2 ½ days.  As I started to feel somewhat better the third day, I did a little catching up on personal business.  I needed to do something constructive because I was getting stir crazy. 

It occurred to me that the only time I just sit around relaxing for any length of time is when I’m sick. I don’t know if I just don’t know how to relax or if it’s because I’m just used to always having things to do being an active single guy, but it’s a pattern I’ve noticed before. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being busy most of the time. In fact, I feel more comfortable with it in recent years. Maybe that’s because the things that keep me busy are more things I choose than they used to be.  I used to feel like life was a series of obligations, things I have to do. From daily chores to social events to work.  But somewhere along the way, my obligations have either been replaced with chosen activities or  I’ve changed how I see my activities so that they don’t feel like obligations.

One of my “chores” is watering plants which I have upstairs and downstairs and in the warmer months, outside too. But I choose to have them and I enjoy the reward. I also put bird seed out and food for a few stray cats in my neighborhood.  I guess some of these things felt like obligations at first, but as they became part of my routine, I enjoyed the good feeling they brought. 

In recent months, I’ve added workouts three times a week, and daily devotion time after work (because it’s just too early to get up and do before work),  journaling , blogging; and for enjoyment, thrift shopping  and photography.  I’ve done a lot more photography in the last couple years starting with a photo-a-day challenge for cancer and I often get those pics on a nice nature walk.

So, yeah, I don’t sit still much and I could probably use a little more relaxation time, but I’m content in being busy. It’s life!

Romancing the gays

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
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I didn’t date much when I was younger in part, because of anxiety and shyness.  I might have been able to push past the anxiety with the help of those teen hormones, but I was also very deep in the closet. I was raised in a very religious home and I believed in what I was taught. (Still do, except for all the gays go to hell bit.) I did fear my mother’s disapproval, and my dad too to a lesser degree, but it was more than that. My faith was important to me and I wanted to be a good Christian and be right with God.

So religious repression worked with my anxiety to keep me from seeking romance with girls too much. It also didn’t help that I’m only five feet tall and was socially awkward back then. 

Now, I know that God loves me the way I am and I don’t fear lightning striking me down for having relations with another man. It’s too bad I figured that out when I was no longer young and fit. I also hit a time of depression and was on disability for about ten years. But now, I’ve been back to full time work for about twelve years and was working part time several years before that and over the last year I’ve lost weight and am working out again and looking better than I have for a long time.

So why have I still not delved into the gay dating arena? What is it I’m afraid of? As I take a good honest look at myself, I think it’s actually fear of trusting someone to be vulnerable and intimate with him.

I’ve had people betray me and manipulate or use me, and let me down all throughout my life. I do have misgivings about meeting strangers through dating apps, but I think I could get past that, just as I’ve gotten past the religious complications and depression and shyness.  All those reasons have faded away and I’m still not dating.  Yeah, I think it’s a trust thing. The thing I fear is putting myself out there. Fortunately, I can finally picture it happening. It’s not just a thing I say I’m going to do eventually. Change is coming this year, I think. I hope.