assertiveness

Resist, Rise, Reign

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When dealing with bullies, or harassment, or systemic oppression, or any persistent problem, really, there are three important facets in affecting positive change.

The first is to resist. Anything they try to do to you, you evade or circumvent their efforts to whatever degree you can, you sabotage their efforts and you power through. Most importantly, though, after you’ve done any remediation you can, you simply live your life as though that wasn’t going on.  Take the wind out of their sails. Bullies can’t stand it when their efforts go in vain.  Take pleasure in knowing that it pisses them off to see you flourish. That helps to alleviate your own rage. Turn the tables on them.  It’s not that they’re harassing you and getting away with it. It’s more like you making them ineffective and feeble, irrelevant, and pathetic losers. That’s what they are, of course.

As you resist, you will also rise against them.  You will rise to a new level of existence. As you live in heightened awareness and ramped up determination, due to necessity, you will hone your coping skills and sharpen your God given strengths.  You will learn that you are stronger than they are, and even stronger than you knew  yourself to be.  Bullies are weak, childish beings. They are powerless before God! Keep that in perspective. 

Unfortunately, when bullying or harassment continues for years on end, as I am experiencing, it’s inevitable that it will get to you at times. You’re only human, after all, but just keep your eye on the prize. Play the long game, and play to win! You’re better than they are!

I have a magnet that has a silhouette of Bigfoot and says “Believe in yourself, even if no one else will.” I claim that over and over.  I’ve been maligned and defamed and slandered by my enemies, underestimated and dismissed and misunderstood by friends and family, but I’ve learned to be self reliant. I don’t care what anyone else thinks, friend or foe. No one else has walked in my shoes. They can judge and dismiss all they want. I shall not be moved!

The last leg of the tripod of defense may seem a bit surprising.  To reign.  It’s bold, I know, but what I mean is to reign over your own life. Own the things you can control and let go of the things you can’t. Be you, and do it full blast! The more they try to crush you, the more you rise! Double down defiantly against the tyranny of the inferior!

An example of that is when I started weight training last fall despite continuous and ever escalating harassment.  Despite being dog tired all the time, and getting a cold once a month like clockwork, I started working out for the first time in about 12 or so years.  I was inspired by a book by David Goggins called “Can’t Hurt Me”.  I highly recommend it.

So, get out there and reign over your mind, your emotions, your talents, your life!  Take help if and when you can get it, and don’t shut out family and friends even though they may piss you off sometimes with their misunderstanding.  No human is an island. You’ll need allies, but you’ve got to have your own body, mind and soul in the right place first. And remind yourself every day that: I believe in myself! I can do it! I shall not be moved! I will overcome! I will Resist, Rise, Reign!!!

Editor’s note: a friend who read this entry posted a comment, which I chose not to approve because it was a bit sarcastic and even felt a little bit mocking. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention, but I just didn’t want to allow any negativity to spoil the post. (I will note that this friend is very good about reading my posts and nudging me when I don’t post for a long time. I appreciate both those things. But I think he misinterpreted the part about starting to workout despite harassment. I was not saying that I’m harassed during workouts, but that the harassment has been constant in every aspect of my life for years on end and I began working out in that environment, despite external negative pressures. I took a positive, healthy action in the midst of petty people trying to drag me down. Perhaps I’m tooting my own horn in saying that, but hey, I deserve it. If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. And if they still don’t, double down.

The beer man cometh

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There was a knock at my door tonight. Somehow, I knew who it was. He hadn’t come around for a while and it was about due. It was Stan, (name changed for privacy). Stan comes around every so often wanting to do some small task for cash and/or a beer. My brother and I never got to cleaning out the flower beds last fall. Now, there’s still dead leaves, and some litter that blew there, covering the spring growth of daffodil and tulip stalks and already-blooming crocus and grape hyacinths.

Stan has a sharp eye and has trained himself well to spot things like that. I’ve obliged him in the past as has my brother, but did not the last few times he came around. This time I went a step further, and told him we’re just getting by here and can’t afford to pay him to do things we can do ourselves.   He could tell by the resolve in my voice that I meant it and only tried again once. Normally, he’ll keep talking and try to squeeze some money out of you.

You might wonder why I would ever oblige him in the first place, or have any sympathy. Well, for one, he’s pretty good at what he does. If he put as much energy into trying to keep a job as he does in coaxing some cash out of the neighborhood denizens, he might do okay.

Also, shortly after my brother and I moved in, we had 8 tons of topsoil delivered to restore the back yard. Because of the narrow alley and a retaining wall restricting access for the dump truck, the soil had to be dumped in the abandoned part of the alley next to the yard and then distributed by shovel and wheelbarrow. I had to leave for my part time job after we were at it a while. Stan ended up helping my brother finish the job, and I got out of doing most of it.  My brother was so grateful, he gave him what cash he had and asked me for some more to give him when I got home.  That was fine. It was a huge job.

Unfortunately, it set the stage for repeated solicitations of odd jobs for cash or a cold one.

That was eight years ago. Stan’s methodology evolved over time. He became more engaging, sneakier, and he always had a story of why he was short on dough. That, of course, wore out, despite his efforts. Seems he always just started a job but didn’t get paid yet. His girlfriend kicked him out, at least twice. You get the picture.  He also would start out saying he’d do a chore for $10, but then by the time he finished, he was suggesting $15 or $20.

Tonight, he didn’t push the issue too much with the leaf gathering, but he still asked for a cold beer. He’ll tell you he’s an alcoholic and then ask for a drink. I guess that’s supposed to make you more sympathetic or something. Well, I said I didn’t have any. I had a few, but why should I give one to him. That still costs me money. Money that I work long hours to earn. Plus, if he really is an alcoholic, which he most likely is, then I’d just be enabling him.

Stan seems like a decent guy, and at least he’s willing to do something for the money. Not just plain asking for a handout. He’s engaging to talk to, so you let your guard down.  I’ve learned though, to say no, pretty much automatically, now. Neither my brother or I will give him anything anymore, but it took us a while to get to that point.

Yes, having a hard time saying no runs in the family, but it’s also because we care about others and know that life can be hard. But when that gets you taken advantage of, and enables unhealthy behavior in another, you’ve got to put your foot down.

Maybe Stan was sent here to teach me (and my brother) that lesson.

 

 

Obligatory year end review

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Yes, everyone does it, but why not?  A year in review:

My first full year as an assistant store manager at Family Dollar.

I stepped down as president of Allentown Film Crew, a community filmmaking group.   I held the group together and got a project filmed two years ago with little support, and set up some workshops and guest speakers for meetings over the last year, but didn’t have the energy or the gumption to follow through on ideas I had.   Stability turned to stagnation.  I decided to let someone else take the reins and take a supporting role for myself.  My friend and original member, Trisha Thompson took those proverbial reins.  I may have created a monster.  wink,wink, nudge, nudge

I started this blog.

I attended my 25th class reunion.  Still can’t believe I’m that old.

First full year of having adopted cat Smokey, to whom Wiley has been amazingly receptive after being the sole cat of the house for ten years.

I lost another 15 pounds, added to the 25 lost in the previous two years.

Things I’ve learned:

Even people who are friendly with you at a retail store will steal right under your nose.

Coworkers will talk smack about you to no end.  Everyone’s a critic – of everything you do.  I bury the judgments and criticisms I feel toward others and then resent the overt negative talk from others, because I don’t have the gumption to dish it out.  And then get over it.

When assertiveness doesn’t come naturally, it’s a life long effort to keep doing it.  If you’re not assertive, people will walk all over you, leave you out in the cold, and have a lower opinion of you.

Anxiety, paranoia and resentment are inhibitive of personal growth.

Man was not made to live in a vacuum.  I need to find a partner in 2015.

It’s a struggle to keep seeing the positive in humanity, but it’s worth the effort to keep trying.

Putting your foot down about something can cause friction, but will be for the better in the long run.

I’ll probably add more later.

In the meantime, have a prosperous year as you pursue long time interests and dreams.  You’ll find some kind of satisfaction and fulfillment, no matter what the final outcome.