Honor

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I wrote most of this several years ago and saved it as a draft.  I just finished it off now.–

I worked at a theater a few years back that showed independent films, which attracted an older audience than the multiplexes. Most of the people were more polite and considerate too. I remember one incident when a patron was quite unintentionally inconsiderate. He had forgotten he was wearing a blue tooth ear piece that was flashing a blue light. It wasn’t very bright, except for the person directly in line with it a couple rows back.

After the other viewer alerted me to the mini-beacon going off in his face, I went in to ask the wearer of the light to turn it off. It turned out to be an Asian gentleman in his mid fifties, I think. When he realized his blue tooth was still on, he froze for a second, then quickly pulled it off.  In that split second before he moved, he looked absolutely mortified. Obviously, he felt very badly about his offense, even though it was completely unintended.

I don’t know if it’s still true, but a lot of Asian cultures (Japanese, Korean, Chinese, etc.), have always considered a sense of honor to be a vital part of society. It seems like they didn’t even have to think about it. It was just part of who they were. They deeply respected their elders, teachers, and religious and community leaders. And the objects of honor acted in a way that showed respect back to the other person and placed value in them.

I can’t speak for other places as I have not spent time abroad, but I think we’ve lost any sense of honor in America. I don’t mean that we’re all just no good, or that we necessarily act dishonorably. It’s more of a complete absence of concern for “honor”. We just don’t think about it. It’s not a term you hear much. You hear the word “integrity”, though not as much these days. I suppose integrity is pretty close to honor, and it’s certainly a good quality. A person with integrity does have honor, but I think the old time type of honor is something more. It’s not just a code of conduct, it’s a mindset, a way of life, and an almost spiritual discipline.

In my opinion, honor goes beyond just trying to act appropriately according to what you’ve been taught, or following social mores. Again, those are worthy endeavors. Honor just takes it to the next level. Integrity is doing the right thing and reflects good character. Honor is a sense of just-ness and regard for others with inclusiveness and non-judgmental view that is second nature.

I feel that I’ve gotten an old school sense of honor from both my parents. I also feel my dad’s presence in times of doubt and his ever steady quiet goodness and love. I’ve always striven to be honest and fair and unassuming like he was. Many people try to take advantage of that or try to bring you down just because they know deep down that they don’t have what you have, and never will.

It’s extremely difficult to not get caught up in their games and petty attacks, but a person of honor will stride past these folks and rise above on any given day.  Like the Good Book says, never weary in doing good.  God knows there are those who never tire of doing evil and trying to tear others down. We good people have to reach out to one another and encourage, affirm, and build each other up.

Be good. Be strong. Walk with honor.

Honestly

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Everyone lies sometimes, but I’m only recently realizing how much people lie to each other. It’s usually not meant to be malicious or damaging to others and usually isn’t, but it creates distance between us, nonetheless. When you make an excuse not to do something with a friend that you had planned to and the other person knows it’s not true, you disrespect them and put distance between you. It’s ok that you can’t always explain exactly why you’re not up to it. Or, maybe you think your reason won’t sound legit to anyone else. No matter. Just tell them honestly, that you’re sorry but you just can’t make it. Reassure them that you want to hang with them, but you aren’t up to it right then. They’ll respect that. Or, at least, they should. If they don’t get it right away, they might still. Have faith in them and don’t take it personally if they’re reaction is negative. Just as they shouldn’t have taken it personally that you had to cancel.

We also lie about how we are really feeling. We think no one wants to hear a negative response when they ask. Unfortunately, that’s often true, but your true friends do want to know and will listen. If it’s a complicated and ongoing problem you need to share, then it’s understandable if they don’t have the time or attention span or emotional energy to hear all of it, but try to just convey your overall emotional state and the main gist of what’s causing it and ask for prayer and follow-up when they can.

Sometimes, we lie to cover up indiscretions of the past. To perpetuate a lie is to deepen the trenches of division. Have you ever told a lie and then wanted to come clean but couldn’t find the right moment? And every time you want to clear the air, something interferes. Another person comes in the room, the friend gets a phone call, a big play happens in the game you’re watching, the cat jumps in your lap and startles you, Mercury falls out of retrograde, you name it. Don’t let it fester. No time like the present. Hash it out. Get it over with. Life is too, like me, is too short. 😉

I’ve talked about the nasty harassment being done to me. I’ve seen good people turn into gang stalkers and predator-like manipulative creeps. If you hear something about a coworker or colleague or church member, the best thing to do is to approach the person honestly. Think over what you know of them and consider that someone might well have a personal vendetta against them. Most people who gossip do so because they lack self esteem and putting down others is their way of boosting their own egos. Trust your own interactions with a person, your own impressions and not hearsay. There’s two sides to every story and when a story is damaging and only told covertly, there must be a reason. If it was legit, why would there be any need to say, “Don’t tell anyone.” or “You didn’t hear it from me.”? Be respectful and open minded. Remember that the more you approach people honestly and directly, the easier if gets, even if you’re a shy introvert, like I was all through junior high, high school, and college.

Last, but not least, is being honest with yourself. Actually, this is easily the most important part of honesty. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can anyone else take you seriously or properly support you? If you’re one of those people who sees you working but avoids a group, then make your own event.

The Climbing Bear

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I’d like to share a memory about my dad that was kind of painful for many years, but now I see it as just a human moment that I can understand from a whole different perspective as an adult. The five of us – my mom and dad, brother and sister, and I were at the Kutztown Folk festival. I think I was about 5 years old. Being a folk festival, there were naturally a lot of vendors selling crafts, toys and food.

After a while, we came across a stand that had wooden puzzles and toys. There was a toy that was a simple wooden cutout of a bear that had two strings running thought the legs on each side. By pulling on the rings at the bottom of the strings, one side then the other, you could make the bear climb the ropes.

I toggled the bear up the rope to the top and let it slide back down to go again. After a couple times, I decided I needed to take it home. It was an impulsive toddler gotta have it moment, but I guess my eagerness tugged at my mom’s heartstrings as well as the bear’s strings and she didn’t want me to go away empty handed, so she told my dad they should get it.

Even back then, in the ’70’s, items at festivals like that were pretty pricy compared to your mass produced retail store items. Of course, I was too young to realize that, and we were struggling to get by in those days. My dad had been a milk tester for years, going to farms to test samples of milk for fat content and other things which helped the farmers maintain their herds, weeding out the low producers and breeding the best producers. The testing was becoming more automated as farmers updated their milking and storage equipment. He transitioned from milk testing to working at Bangor Hardware, where he worked for many years. My mom was doing social work for Penn State Extension. Neither jobs paid much and both were on their way out. My mom worked at blouse mills after that.

So, at this transitional time when money was scarce, there was this climbing bear that was putting my dad in a tough spot. He understandably was annoyed at the inflated prices. I don’t remember exactly what he said to the vendor or what my mom said to him, but he voiced his anger at the vendor and criticized them for price gouging or whatever they called it back then. My mom was, in turn, upset with my dad for “making a scene” and I felt guilty for having insisted on getting the silly toy. The moment was totally ruined and I didn’t even want it anymore, but there it was in my hand as we all piled in the car to head home. My mom managed to smooth things over after a while so that I was ok with hanging the climbing bear in my room which I shared with my brother. We both played with it.

I have to admit, I resented my dad over that incident for many years, being just a kid. But I always remembered when that memory surfaced, that he also was very thoughtful in making sure we had enough to eat, or were comfortable. He would always insists that one of us kids take the last piece of cake or pie or a bigger portion of meat. He’d help us in the kitchen making a snack and he’d make sure I got my allergy medicines, sometimes with a spoonful of honey, or a glass of Strawberry Quick stirred into my special allergen free milk. He was always a good provider, but I think that day at the folk festival haunted him. I know as an adult that he had anxiety as I have at times, and he must have felt terribly guilty about blowing up at the seller in front of me and my siblings.

To this day, I enjoy perusing the artist markets and craft vendors at festivals. I’ve acquired many unique items at festivals over the years, many of which I still have. I’ve got some cool stuff from Mayfair, Musikfest, and many other smaller festivals and events. No Walmart for me. Ha ha!

So guess what, Dad? We won. Your hard work and mom’s and both your sons’ over the years brought us out of poverty. No, we never had a lot of money, but we got ahead just enough and we always had each other and our love and God’s love. You were a good provider and a loving dad. Miss you every day.