Romancing the gays

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Daily writing prompt
What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?
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I didn’t date much when I was younger in part, because of anxiety and shyness.  I might have been able to push past the anxiety with the help of those teen hormones, but I was also very deep in the closet. I was raised in a very religious home and I believed in what I was taught. (Still do, except for all the gays go to hell bit.) I did fear my mother’s disapproval, and my dad too to a lesser degree, but it was more than that. My faith was important to me and I wanted to be a good Christian and be right with God.

So religious repression worked with my anxiety to keep me from seeking romance with girls too much. It also didn’t help that I’m only five feet tall and was socially awkward back then. 

Now, I know that God loves me the way I am and I don’t fear lightning striking me down for having relations with another man. It’s too bad I figured that out when I was no longer young and fit. I also hit a time of depression and was on disability for about ten years. But now, I’ve been back to full time work for about twelve years and was working part time several years before that and over the last year I’ve lost weight and am working out again and looking better than I have for a long time.

So why have I still not delved into the gay dating arena? What is it I’m afraid of? As I take a good honest look at myself, I think it’s actually fear of trusting someone to be vulnerable and intimate with him.

I’ve had people betray me and manipulate or use me, and let me down all throughout my life. I do have misgivings about meeting strangers through dating apps, but I think I could get past that, just as I’ve gotten past the religious complications and depression and shyness.  All those reasons have faded away and I’m still not dating.  Yeah, I think it’s a trust thing. The thing I fear is putting myself out there. Fortunately, I can finally picture it happening. It’s not just a thing I say I’m going to do eventually. Change is coming this year, I think. I hope.

Dreams Deferred and where to find them

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Do you have a dream that you’ve wanted since a young age, but you haven’t worked toward it in years? Well, if you haven’t totally given up on it, then it’s not dead.  It’s not a fail. It’s a dream deferred. Welcome aboard. I’ve got one too.

When I was in 6th grade and having some behavioral problems for the first and only time in my school years, I discovered that I love to write and I was pretty good at it. I made it a goal to write a book. I’m 53, and that dream is unfulfilled.  As are the additional dreams that have grown from that first seed.  Writing a book series,  a book in all my favored genres,  a screenplay,  multiple screenplays, a blockbuster movie. My dreams have gotten loftier and more numerous as I’ve experienced life and grown in confidence and ambition.

Yet they are all unfulfilled. I’ve given it much thought over the years and the main reason the above dreams lie dormant, is lack of discipline.  There are many accompanying excuses: no time, no energy, bad jobs sucked my energy away, toxic people sucked my energy away, depression, anxiety, lack of support, lack of direction, not sure how to go about it, health problems, financial insecurity, etc., etc.

Sure, some of these are pretty good excuses and are certainly things that have to be addressed, but did they take ALL of my time and energy? No. Could I have done at least one of these goals despite those things? Yes. But I didn’t .  I’m not beating myself up.  I did have some pretty tough challenges and have been largely on my own. (Partly my own fault for not talking about it to anyone or seeking positive relationships.)

But when it comes down to it, I could have done more writing. I could have chosen a specific goal and kept at it until it was achieved, but I didn’t. Discipline is hard. Damn hard. It’s hard to establish and easily derailed.

Before I completely demoralize you all, let me move on to the positives. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been doing a lot of work on several areas of self-improvement. (Discipline is the mode of transportation  to an improved self.) I’ve been working out and am already in the best shape I’ve been since at least 40.  I’m getting better with punctuality (again) and I’ve been really good about doing a daily devotional time where I read some in my Bible and read from a spiritual, but not religious devotional book. (Journey to the Heart), writing in my journal, and restarting my blog. While I haven’t gotten back into a project of writing, all of these efforts take discipline to do and help me to be more disciplined overall.

Discipline begets discipline. That’s something I learned years ago. Unfortunately, it works in the reverse as well. The more you slack in one area, the easier it is to let something else slide. Well, I’m on  an uptick now and I plan to keep it going. So, as I journey back to a higher plane of living, I think I’ll find that place where my deferred dreams lie fallow. I don’t remember where or when I laid them down.  We never do, do we? But the good news is, you will inevitably find them as you merge back into that lane of action, discipline, and hope that will carry you toward your destination.

Mark = Strong Defender

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I’m using the Word press prompt for the first time. The meaning of my name according to a bookmark I got in Sunday school as a child and still have in my Bible, is “strong defender”. I’ve seen variations of this in many different sources but that seems to be the general consensus.

I think it’s fitting because I’m blessed with an abundance of inner strength that has gotten me through many tough times and helped me be fiercely independent and relentlessly resilient. (a little alliteration, lol)

The defender part of the bookmark’s definition fits too because I’ve always been more prone to defend than to criticize. I’m also slow to be judgmental. ( Most of the time. I’m only human. ) I’ve often stood up for people when others are putting them down or even ganging up on one member of a group in fun.

I’m a very loyal friend/brother/son/classmate/employee/etc. It’s interesting that the Scottish coat of arms for my grandmother’s maiden name bears the motto “This I’ll Defend.” Another defensive strength reference.

I hope I can continue to find the strength to be positive and defensive of humanity these next few years. I’m definitely going to call out injustice where I see it but also keep seeing and writing about the good in this world. I promise to try. I hope that change and possible turmoil brings us closer together rather than further divide us, as we realize we’re all in this together. We’re all just trying to get by, to love and be loved and have a little fun when we can.

Let’s try not to lose sight of that.

Daily writing prompt
Write about your first name: its meaning, significance, etymology, etc.
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