life

Honor

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I wrote most of this several years ago and saved it as a draft.  I just finished it off now.–

I worked at a theater a few years back that showed independent films, which attracted an older audience than the multiplexes. Most of the people were more polite and considerate too. I remember one incident when a patron was quite unintentionally inconsiderate. He had forgotten he was wearing a blue tooth ear piece that was flashing a blue light. It wasn’t very bright, except for the person directly in line with it a couple rows back.

After the other viewer alerted me to the mini-beacon going off in his face, I went in to ask the wearer of the light to turn it off. It turned out to be an Asian gentleman in his mid fifties, I think. When he realized his blue tooth was still on, he froze for a second, then quickly pulled it off.  In that split second before he moved, he looked absolutely mortified. Obviously, he felt very badly about his offense, even though it was completely unintended.

I don’t know if it’s still true, but a lot of Asian cultures (Japanese, Korean, Chinese, etc.), have always considered a sense of honor to be a vital part of society. It seems like they didn’t even have to think about it. It was just part of who they were. They deeply respected their elders, teachers, and religious and community leaders. And the objects of honor acted in a way that showed respect back to the other person and placed value in them.

I can’t speak for other places as I have not spent time abroad, but I think we’ve lost any sense of honor in America. I don’t mean that we’re all just no good, or that we necessarily act dishonorably. It’s more of a complete absence of concern for “honor”. We just don’t think about it. It’s not a term you hear much. You hear the word “integrity”, though not as much these days. I suppose integrity is pretty close to honor, and it’s certainly a good quality. A person with integrity does have honor, but I think the old time type of honor is something more. It’s not just a code of conduct, it’s a mindset, a way of life, and an almost spiritual discipline.

In my opinion, honor goes beyond just trying to act appropriately according to what you’ve been taught, or following social mores. Again, those are worthy endeavors. Honor just takes it to the next level. Integrity is doing the right thing and reflects good character. Honor is a sense of just-ness and regard for others with inclusiveness and non-judgmental view that is second nature.

I feel that I’ve gotten an old school sense of honor from both my parents. I also feel my dad’s presence in times of doubt and his ever steady quiet goodness and love. I’ve always striven to be honest and fair and unassuming like he was. Many people try to take advantage of that or try to bring you down just because they know deep down that they don’t have what you have, and never will.

It’s extremely difficult to not get caught up in their games and petty attacks, but a person of honor will stride past these folks and rise above on any given day.  Like the Good Book says, never weary in doing good.  God knows there are those who never tire of doing evil and trying to tear others down. We good people have to reach out to one another and encourage, affirm, and build each other up.

Be good. Be strong. Walk with honor.

Honestly

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Everyone lies sometimes, but I’m only recently realizing how much people lie to each other. It’s usually not meant to be malicious or damaging to others and usually isn’t, but it creates distance between us, nonetheless. When you make an excuse not to do something with a friend that you had planned to and the other person knows it’s not true, you disrespect them and put distance between you. It’s ok that you can’t always explain exactly why you’re not up to it. Or, maybe you think your reason won’t sound legit to anyone else. No matter. Just tell them honestly, that you’re sorry but you just can’t make it. Reassure them that you want to hang with them, but you aren’t up to it right then. They’ll respect that. Or, at least, they should. If they don’t get it right away, they might still. Have faith in them and don’t take it personally if they’re reaction is negative. Just as they shouldn’t have taken it personally that you had to cancel.

We also lie about how we are really feeling. We think no one wants to hear a negative response when they ask. Unfortunately, that’s often true, but your true friends do want to know and will listen. If it’s a complicated and ongoing problem you need to share, then it’s understandable if they don’t have the time or attention span or emotional energy to hear all of it, but try to just convey your overall emotional state and the main gist of what’s causing it and ask for prayer and follow-up when they can.

Sometimes, we lie to cover up indiscretions of the past. To perpetuate a lie is to deepen the trenches of division. Have you ever told a lie and then wanted to come clean but couldn’t find the right moment? And every time you want to clear the air, something interferes. Another person comes in the room, the friend gets a phone call, a big play happens in the game you’re watching, the cat jumps in your lap and startles you, Mercury falls out of retrograde, you name it. Don’t let it fester. No time like the present. Hash it out. Get it over with. Life is too, like me, is too short. 😉

I’ve talked about the nasty harassment being done to me. I’ve seen good people turn into gang stalkers and predator-like manipulative creeps. If you hear something about a coworker or colleague or church member, the best thing to do is to approach the person honestly. Think over what you know of them and consider that someone might well have a personal vendetta against them. Most people who gossip do so because they lack self esteem and putting down others is their way of boosting their own egos. Trust your own interactions with a person, your own impressions and not hearsay. There’s two sides to every story and when a story is damaging and only told covertly, there must be a reason. If it was legit, why would there be any need to say, “Don’t tell anyone.” or “You didn’t hear it from me.”? Be respectful and open minded. Remember that the more you approach people honestly and directly, the easier if gets, even if you’re a shy introvert, like I was all through junior high, high school, and college.

Last, but not least, is being honest with yourself. Actually, this is easily the most important part of honesty. If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can anyone else take you seriously or properly support you? If you’re one of those people who sees you working but avoids a group, then make your own event.

The Return

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I haven’t blogged in several years, but I’m going to start again. I became discouraged after my account was hacked and followers started saying they didn’t see my posts shared on social media. I also got fewer reads from people just searching me on WordPress. It was also getting hard to think of ideas to write about and life has a way of getting in the way of things.

When I last posted in the fall of 2018, I had been attending a new church and making friends there. I’m still a member of Metropolitan Community Church of the Lehigh Valley and still enjoy a few good friendships made there. Some people have moved on, but it’s still my church and spiritual center. I’m still glad I was brave enough to go to a gay friendly church and start being who I am.

A lot of things have happened since October 2018. I rebuilt my credit and got a new car, returned to the digital department at my work after a stint in microfilming. There was that whole pandemic thing. I had shoulder surgery in 2021 and a bunch of other health issues between fall 2020 and late 2021. I’ve taken lots of pictures, took a couple memorable vacations with my new friends, grew a lot of flowers and did some spiffing up in the house.

The most significant events were both bad ones, though. One is ongoing even now. The other, was the loss of my dad to cancer last year, on St. Patrick’s Day, early in the morning. It was my brother’s birthday that he lost consciousness as we administered home hospice care and my brother did most of it that night as my mom and I fell asleep since we had gotten almost no sleep the previous night. I will always feel bad for my brother to have that happen on his birthday and I’m grateful to my dad for hanging on until after midnight so it wouldn’t officially be my brother’s birthday that he died. And this just a few years after the start of the pandemic made it impossible for my brother to celebrate his 50th properly.

My dad was diagnosed at about that time as well, and had surgery to remove a very large tumor from his colon in June 2020. Somehow, it took about six months to diagnose, even though the tumor was quite sizable. He went through chemo like a champ and fought it for three years, until just a few weeks before his 91st birthday. No one could have done better and we will always be proud of him.

The other negative event is one that I’m going to post a lot about. I have been subjected to a form of relentless, brutal harassment known as gang stalking. There are many, many online forums about this and much misinformation by the creeps that do it, trying to discredit those who share their experience. It’s not just harassment. It’s assault. Years long, cruel and sadistic assault. It’s usually completely without provocation, as it is in my case. People are targeted for mostly political reasons, often at a young age. It’s a scheme to prevent people from succeeding at anything and becoming a force for progress in the world. It’s all done very subtly, which makes it impossible to prove or put an end to. The victim, or target, is left to face it alone because no one believes or understands what’s happening. It’s extremely insidious and cowardly and provokes many to rage. I believe this is the cause of much violence in this country including mass shootings.

It’s my mission to expose not just those doing it to me, but the whole network, which is nationwide, probably even worldwide. I also hope to explain what I think is the motivation behind this horrible practice and why I was targeted. The world would be a far, far better place without these extremists and those they recruit to help them in gang stalking. One thing I’ll address is that the participants are not all necessarily right wingers. The organizers are. They recruit people by slandering and falsely incriminating the targets and they are using us as guinea pigs to perfect their methods and weapons for a wide scale attack.

I’d say that’s enough for my return to blogging. I just want to say that I am doing just fine mental health wise and I have never experienced paranoia, nor do I have any tendency for it. I have only mild bipolar depression and have never had a manic episode. I have my father’s good heart and tenacity. I have persevered through five years of this already and I will make it through!