family

Keeping On

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Since it’s been a while since I posted, I’m thinking I should take another look at time management and posts about being busy but in a good way. Or, reflect on the one wondering where half the summer went already. Now, basically the whole thing is gone, though not officially by the calendar and it’s a gorgeous summer day here in eastern PA today.

In fact, I did get out and enjoy a picture-perfect day with friends at Lake Nockamixon on Labor Day weekend and got to take a spin on my brother’s kayak. Today, I’m taking my mom shopping, but at least we’ll be out and about on this great day.

It’s been a little over a year since I had a health event and a break from work, after which I began a routine of daily devotions with Bible reading and the book Journey to the Heart by Melanie Beaty. I am journaling more often. (Still not daily, but working on it.) Since last October, I’ve been weight lifting three times a week, and keeping up a routine of better punctuality, tending to the garden and feeding the stray cats and the birds (after my own cats) after work, daily check-ins with my mom and all the usual household stuff.

I also make time for fun with friends and family, and getting out for a nature walk or something enjoyable as much as possible. It’s been challenging at times and I don’t always feel like doing things, but I persist. I look around me, and I realize it’s not just me. Time flies for everyone. We’re all busy and we all have to make an effort to keep on going and doing and balancing life’s obligations with fun and enjoyment. Staying connected through it all is very important, so don’t forget that. Talk to people, and share your feelings and thoughts. People are all very similar in many ways. (Except for a few psychopaths, but we won’t go into that now.)

I feel that I was put on this earth to be an encourager and a light in my corner of the world. I will endeavor to keep doing that through thick and thin. I believe that there are forces set against those of us trying to lift others up. The eternal battle of good and evil is very much active in the world today. We good ones must rise up and keep pushing forward and be ourselves and affirm others to be themselves. We’re all in this together.

Kind of a grand conclusion for a post about routines, you might think. I’m learning that the routines are just the structure to provide a base to do more. Our thoughts and feelings can flow more freely when we control the things we can and not be discouraged by all the things we can’t control. All the chaos and evil in the world at large.

Brighten the corner where you are! Be you!

Failing patience, fading empathy

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I find myself getting impatient with my elderly mother more quickly and more frequently than I used to. She has always been an extreme worrier, engaging in catastrophizing and panic, always assuming the worst, sometimes imagining well beyond the worst-case scenario fearing things that there’s basically no chance will be the outcome of the situation. It started getting considerably worse in the fall of 2022 and continues to be so. It may be a side effect of a medication or her age exacerbating things, but the increase of problems started about the time my dad’s fight with cancer started taking more of a toll. He was gone six months later.

My mom and dad were married 56 years and when you include dating and engagement, were together for just about 60 years. I understand that her anchor was gone and she felt more vulnerable. I did a lot of things to help her with everyday personal business like making calls with her to Social Security, insurance companies, then renewing said insurance, and transferring the van and getting a new handicapped plate, checking her math when balancing the checkbook. All things she knows how to do but hadn’t been doing them for a number of years.

I also made improvements to her physical environment. I had replaced a bookshelf a year or so earlier and still had the old one, so I took it to her and made room for it, put it in place and moved the books and other items to it. I also gave her a little corner shelf that I hadn’t been using for a while and helped get that in place and found a little side table that would work next to her couch better than what was there already. I didn’t even realize it, but the table had been my dad’s before they met, so she really appreciated having that.

It seemed like things were improving, and indeed I think she was coping well for a number of months of the first year without my dad, but then she started to say she felt “blue” more often when I asked how she was. It felt like my efforts were all in vain. Like no matter how much I did, it wasn’t enough and she just kept doing worse. She wasn’t oblivious to this decline in mood and in fact, talked to the nurse practitioner at her primary care and they tried her on an antidepressant for a while but that only seemed to make her worse and it was stopped.

After a while, it seemed like her mood leveled off to some degree, enough to cope and find enjoyment in things, but the worrying and panic got worse. It’s very draining to have several calls a week from your mother, who was so strong and wise when she was raising you, in a state of panic because she got some strange call or text on her phone. Like a scammer can somehow ruin your life even if you don’t respond to them.

I tell her to think about what would be the worst that could happen and it’s not going to be as bad as her initial fear-filled reaction has her thinking. And even if the worst happened, she’d get through it. I guess she doesn’t see it as a choice, how you react to something. It’s been an automatic response for so long that she must feel like she can’t control it and that it’s something that just happens, not of her own volition. Maybe that’s true to some degree because it’s hard to retrain your brain when you’re in your 80’s. But I think there’s always room for improvement if the effort is made.

What’s funny is that I used to be so patient that I’ve had people tell me that I have the patience of a saint. In fact, there was more than one occasion when I worked in retail that the next person in line would say so after I finished with a difficult customer. But in the last 6 or 7 years, the harassment that I’ve mentioned in other posts, has eaten up any patience, tolerance, or forgiveness, and even empathy that I had in me. I could easily do a whole post just on that point, but this one is about trying to be there for my mom.

I think the solution is to talk about things on a regular basis and specifically about managing fear and anxiety, to plan for the moments that spark intense worry and be ready for it; to have coping strategies and specific actions to take. Calming imagery or memories, music, inspiring quotes, and mindfulness. I don’t think that’s a concept that anyone ever taught her, but it’d be very helpful to stop and think, observe and then proceed with caution.

It’s always better to get out in front of an issue than to wait till something happens that’s harder to deal with. Of course, that’s easier said than done. But most things worth doing are. I know that my mom is a strong and intelligent person and that God has given me a good heart, patience and kindness. I’ll just have to keep any situational irritability out of the equation and be true to myself and see the strength and ability in her that has always been there. You’ve got to stick together with family and help one another in love. Same goes for friends.

Honor

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I wrote most of this several years ago and saved it as a draft.  I just finished it off now.–

I worked at a theater a few years back that showed independent films, which attracted an older audience than the multiplexes. Most of the people were more polite and considerate too. I remember one incident when a patron was quite unintentionally inconsiderate. He had forgotten he was wearing a blue tooth ear piece that was flashing a blue light. It wasn’t very bright, except for the person directly in line with it a couple rows back.

After the other viewer alerted me to the mini-beacon going off in his face, I went in to ask the wearer of the light to turn it off. It turned out to be an Asian gentleman in his mid fifties, I think. When he realized his blue tooth was still on, he froze for a second, then quickly pulled it off.  In that split second before he moved, he looked absolutely mortified. Obviously, he felt very badly about his offense, even though it was completely unintended.

I don’t know if it’s still true, but a lot of Asian cultures (Japanese, Korean, Chinese, etc.), have always considered a sense of honor to be a vital part of society. It seems like they didn’t even have to think about it. It was just part of who they were. They deeply respected their elders, teachers, and religious and community leaders. And the objects of honor acted in a way that showed respect back to the other person and placed value in them.

I can’t speak for other places as I have not spent time abroad, but I think we’ve lost any sense of honor in America. I don’t mean that we’re all just no good, or that we necessarily act dishonorably. It’s more of a complete absence of concern for “honor”. We just don’t think about it. It’s not a term you hear much. You hear the word “integrity”, though not as much these days. I suppose integrity is pretty close to honor, and it’s certainly a good quality. A person with integrity does have honor, but I think the old time type of honor is something more. It’s not just a code of conduct, it’s a mindset, a way of life, and an almost spiritual discipline.

In my opinion, honor goes beyond just trying to act appropriately according to what you’ve been taught, or following social mores. Again, those are worthy endeavors. Honor just takes it to the next level. Integrity is doing the right thing and reflects good character. Honor is a sense of just-ness and regard for others with inclusiveness and non-judgmental view that is second nature.

I feel that I’ve gotten an old school sense of honor from both my parents. I also feel my dad’s presence in times of doubt and his ever steady quiet goodness and love. I’ve always striven to be honest and fair and unassuming like he was. Many people try to take advantage of that or try to bring you down just because they know deep down that they don’t have what you have, and never will.

It’s extremely difficult to not get caught up in their games and petty attacks, but a person of honor will stride past these folks and rise above on any given day.  Like the Good Book says, never weary in doing good.  God knows there are those who never tire of doing evil and trying to tear others down. We good people have to reach out to one another and encourage, affirm, and build each other up.

Be good. Be strong. Walk with honor.