Personal Reflections

Failing patience, fading empathy

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I find myself getting impatient with my elderly mother more quickly and more frequently than I used to. She has always been an extreme worrier, engaging in catastrophizing and panic, always assuming the worst, sometimes imagining well beyond the worst-case scenario fearing things that there’s basically no chance will be the outcome of the situation. It started getting considerably worse in the fall of 2022 and continues to be so. It may be a side effect of a medication or her age exacerbating things, but the increase of problems started about the time my dad’s fight with cancer started taking more of a toll. He was gone six months later.

My mom and dad were married 56 years and when you include dating and engagement, were together for just about 60 years. I understand that her anchor was gone and she felt more vulnerable. I did a lot of things to help her with everyday personal business like making calls with her to Social Security, insurance companies, then renewing said insurance, and transferring the van and getting a new handicapped plate, checking her math when balancing the checkbook. All things she knows how to do but hadn’t been doing them for a number of years.

I also made improvements to her physical environment. I had replaced a bookshelf a year or so earlier and still had the old one, so I took it to her and made room for it, put it in place and moved the books and other items to it. I also gave her a little corner shelf that I hadn’t been using for a while and helped get that in place and found a little side table that would work next to her couch better than what was there already. I didn’t even realize it, but the table had been my dad’s before they met, so she really appreciated having that.

It seemed like things were improving, and indeed I think she was coping well for a number of months of the first year without my dad, but then she started to say she felt “blue” more often when I asked how she was. It felt like my efforts were all in vain. Like no matter how much I did, it wasn’t enough and she just kept doing worse. She wasn’t oblivious to this decline in mood and in fact, talked to the nurse practitioner at her primary care and they tried her on an antidepressant for a while but that only seemed to make her worse and it was stopped.

After a while, it seemed like her mood leveled off to some degree, enough to cope and find enjoyment in things, but the worrying and panic got worse. It’s very draining to have several calls a week from your mother, who was so strong and wise when she was raising you, in a state of panic because she got some strange call or text on her phone. Like a scammer can somehow ruin your life even if you don’t respond to them.

I tell her to think about what would be the worst that could happen and it’s not going to be as bad as her initial fear-filled reaction has her thinking. And even if the worst happened, she’d get through it. I guess she doesn’t see it as a choice, how you react to something. It’s been an automatic response for so long that she must feel like she can’t control it and that it’s something that just happens, not of her own volition. Maybe that’s true to some degree because it’s hard to retrain your brain when you’re in your 80’s. But I think there’s always room for improvement if the effort is made.

What’s funny is that I used to be so patient that I’ve had people tell me that I have the patience of a saint. In fact, there was more than one occasion when I worked in retail that the next person in line would say so after I finished with a difficult customer. But in the last 6 or 7 years, the harassment that I’ve mentioned in other posts, has eaten up any patience, tolerance, or forgiveness, and even empathy that I had in me. I could easily do a whole post just on that point, but this one is about trying to be there for my mom.

I think the solution is to talk about things on a regular basis and specifically about managing fear and anxiety, to plan for the moments that spark intense worry and be ready for it; to have coping strategies and specific actions to take. Calming imagery or memories, music, inspiring quotes, and mindfulness. I don’t think that’s a concept that anyone ever taught her, but it’d be very helpful to stop and think, observe and then proceed with caution.

It’s always better to get out in front of an issue than to wait till something happens that’s harder to deal with. Of course, that’s easier said than done. But most things worth doing are. I know that my mom is a strong and intelligent person and that God has given me a good heart, patience and kindness. I’ll just have to keep any situational irritability out of the equation and be true to myself and see the strength and ability in her that has always been there. You’ve got to stick together with family and help one another in love. Same goes for friends.

Disconnected in a world of connectivity

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These days, everything has connectivity, from our pocket computers (phones) to our cars to appliances, sometimes even our whole house. But how many of us feel connected to each other? How many neighbors do you know by name? How many coworkers or church members do you say hello to without really knowing much about them or what’s going on in their lives? I’m not trying to point fingers. I can think of plenty of people I only exchange perfunctory greetings with. It’s not that I don’t want to get to know them. I just tend to get in a rut and don’t initiate conversations with people I don’t know, even though I’m actually quite curious about those around me.

I guess it’s partly the introvert/extrovert thing and often, just being tired and a little withdrawn as a result. And, of course, we’re all busy all the time and rushing from one thing to another.

But I’ve found that when you make the effort to talk to someone new, they are eager to reciprocate. We all want to be more connected to others and the world around us, beyond the electronic level. I’m talking real person to person interaction.

Some people blame social media for the lack of real life experience, but I’ve often started talking to people at church or at work because I became Facebook friends and then talked to the person next time I saw them IRL. Social media can be a tool to help break the ice and can enhance real world connection rather than replace it. It’s all in how you use it.

In high school, I used novelty tee shirts as an icebreaker, especially The Far Side. I was kind of known for it. You could use unique articles of clothing or jewelry for icebreakers. Point is, to make the effort and to take time to notice those around you. Find connections in the maze of connectivity.

Rest and Discomfort

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As I spent three sick days home from work this week, I didn’t do much of anything for about 2 ½ days.  As I started to feel somewhat better the third day, I did a little catching up on personal business.  I needed to do something constructive because I was getting stir crazy. 

It occurred to me that the only time I just sit around relaxing for any length of time is when I’m sick. I don’t know if I just don’t know how to relax or if it’s because I’m just used to always having things to do being an active single guy, but it’s a pattern I’ve noticed before. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being busy most of the time. In fact, I feel more comfortable with it in recent years. Maybe that’s because the things that keep me busy are more things I choose than they used to be.  I used to feel like life was a series of obligations, things I have to do. From daily chores to social events to work.  But somewhere along the way, my obligations have either been replaced with chosen activities or  I’ve changed how I see my activities so that they don’t feel like obligations.

One of my “chores” is watering plants which I have upstairs and downstairs and in the warmer months, outside too. But I choose to have them and I enjoy the reward. I also put bird seed out and food for a few stray cats in my neighborhood.  I guess some of these things felt like obligations at first, but as they became part of my routine, I enjoyed the good feeling they brought. 

In recent months, I’ve added workouts three times a week, and daily devotion time after work (because it’s just too early to get up and do before work),  journaling , blogging; and for enjoyment, thrift shopping  and photography.  I’ve done a lot more photography in the last couple years starting with a photo-a-day challenge for cancer and I often get those pics on a nice nature walk.

So, yeah, I don’t sit still much and I could probably use a little more relaxation time, but I’m content in being busy. It’s life!